I called them all and set a meeting, I insisted that it was urgent, or did I beg? Sometimes I sound pathetic or was my tone convincing. Anyway, they started to appear one after the other. I enjoyed watching them gazing at each other, no one could recognize the other, of course, I was the only one who witnessed their stupidity, failure and defeats, and I was the only one living on their pain.
It felt chaotic in the beginning, everyone was in a hurry, restless and noisy as they have always been. Curses, shouts and objections filled my world for a few minutes before I firmly asked them to shut up. I stuttered as usual, my voice trembled with despair, yet I was able to tell them, “ please, let’s end this war”.
Sarcastically laughs, more curses and angry shouts hit me mercilessly but I repeated in a firmer tone, “ enough is enough let’s end this”. I looked around to see hatred, prejudice and fear. They were all defeated, yet they did not want to admit. Distorted versions of themselves, yet they still had the energy to be mean. The humming got louder and louder, their noise whirled around me just as in one of my nightmares. Some were starting to leave, while others engaged in silly fights, and most of them seemed to be indifferent. “No one is allowed to leave” I shouted like a lunatic, before adding, “ you know that I can destroy you all”. The humming did not stop nor the provocative sarcastic laughs, but I kept repeating “I can destroy you all, I will destroy you all”.
Was it a moment of silence, or was it my imagination, anyway, what happened was more important, so let me try to recall. “ I didn’t best….”, “ that was the most urgent thing at that time….” “ but didn’t you want this? Weren’t you dying to do this?” “You were convinced that this is the right thing to do….” “ don’t blame me it was their fault, not mine”, “ I didn’t expect it to last that long?” Sighs and tears interrupted the genuine confessions, but at that point I was overwhelmed by what I was hearing. They kept confessing, and the more they spoke the weaker they started to feel. “You are the one to be blamed, not me”, “ I had to do so, they never liked me”, “you wanted to please them, to please him, to please her,…”, “ I thought that you were in control,….”, “ why didn’t you change the situation, why didn’t you defend me, why didn’t you fight for our rights?”, “how many years you wasted day dreaming and now you blame me?”, “ you faked everything so I just followed what you did,I ….”, “ you kept suppressing me day and night, how would you expect me to behave?”, “ yes I begged for love, I did this to please you, don’t you remember how needy you were?…”, “you didn’t allow me to complain, sorry the pain had to find its way”, “ no,no, I wasn’t hypocritical, I just helped you to survive. You can’t be that ungrateful?”, “ they loved you! Have I ever told you this? No, now you are making things up”, “ don’t blame me for your faults, desires, weaknesses, I’m done living with your whining,….”, “you did what you believed was good, ok, you didn’t put all your effort in most of the situations but maybe you still have a chance,…”.
Their screams became deafening as they walked towards me, their breaths were getting warm in a disgusting way, the anger filled the space. No, it wasn’t anger but every negative emotion a man had ever experienced. The crowd got close and closer, their breaths kept hitting me as the confesses were cascading from every direction. My tears were flowing as their confesses were hitting unforgettable scenes of a long life. The scares were all bleeding at the same time, and the “pain was unbearable” as I have always used to say.
I fainted. I fainted and only god knows for how long I was away in that scary isthmus, but I retuned back. Weak and dizzy, yet I was able to recognize what they left. I was alone on the battlefield or was it the meeting place, anyway I was alone. Each of them left me a memento, either to tease me, to hurt me or to justify his sins and prove that they were all my faults. I tried to stand up, I stumbled many times, many times more than I can count, but at the end I stood still. Were they right? Were these all my sins? Am I the only one to be blamed? Do I really have the courage to destroy them all? Isn’t destroying them means one thing…. To put an end to my endless trail of failures. To end this journey of misery and to bravely stop the pain.
