A letter to Allah

 Dear Allah

It has been so long, since I felt connected, and I have been suffering since then. Prayers, supplications or meditations, these are the typical ways people follow to worship you. I know no one sends you letters, but I am totally lost, and maybe when these words are laid infront of my eyes a path emerges or a miracle happens, I don’t know. 

Now, I’m speechless, not in the way that this word is abused, I’m speechless in the sense of being unable to think of words or even feelings. Won’t this status grant me mercy or salvation? Won’t pausing “speechless” in your presence is simply a proof of my existence in your realm, as a mere faint creature among your infinite creations, a weak, lost, and frightened creature. 

I have been trying to write this letter, or honestly I have been trying to cry for help for so long. Too weak to scream, too ashamed to confront. What can I say? I’m a sinner, or I’m a disbeliever? I think disbeliever is an extreme term, may be I am just a “ doubter”? Am I trying to  simplify my catastrophic situation. Ya Allah, I’m doubting everything, every single thing that I heard or was taught, all what they have said sounds either harsh, illogical or too good to be true. I know that when it comes to sins, I don’t need anything more than following my heart, hearts never lie. But all the other lists of  “ do and don’t” add to my misery, as I’m generally moody, or let’s say I don’t have the will and courage to dig deeper and fight patiently like an atheist  enthusiast. 

Almost every morning I take a pragmatic decision and say “ let’s stick to the safe side”, they are five prayers a day and if I can recite two pages of Quran on daily basis this will be great, maybe I can add some supplications or spend a few minutes after prayers in zikr….. These decisions sound simple, doable and logical, yet within the same day, I start questioning my prayers, my concentration and how whole heartedly I am asking Allah for guidance. After decades of praying, the movements and verses happen mechanically and the prayer comes to an end before making sure whether I was focusing or not. Then comes the next prayer and the next. Skipping reciting Quran  for a day becomes the new norm, and when I realize that it’s Friday and I used to recite Surat Al kahf, I recite it quickly just to prove to myself that haey I am still a good Muslim!

Friday prayers became something of the past, I refuse to sit and listen to someone screaming about irrelevant topics, and we are supposed to sit absent mindedly  with a fake smile till we pray quickly and leave. Ha, a weekly task is done, a religious box is ticked! 

So, what am I doing? Definitely I’m not bragging about my current status, this religious numbness  or shall I call it a “ spiritual void”? I’m not a rebellious person, too fearful of the consequences, but I reached a point where I can’t digest the whole package that we have all been spoon fed. The punishments seem diabolical and the rewarding system is worthy of a clever merchant. I am not comfortable of neither the punishments nor the rewards, something seems repelling and degrading to the relation between us and our creator. 

So what, is it a phase? It has been going on for so long, and I don’t find myself looking for the truth as much as I’m refusing what has been stamped on every aspect of our lives as the only truth. What are my options? Very limited options to be honest, spending the rest of my days in the desert of doubts, mimic what  my fellow Muslims do till my life comes to an end, or ask Allah for guidance on every single day.

I envy both groups, those content with their religious life and those content without one. They seem happy or at least at peace, while I’m whirling in useless thoughts, while counting the days which pass without a resolution and without peace. Is all of this a reflection of all the battles that I ignored and all the fights that I didn’t not confront. All the “no”s that I was too worried, frightened, and embarrassed to say them, piled up and turned into a flood of doubts, maybe a punishment that I deserve. 

Ya Allah, I don’t know the right path, and the questions compete in my head, is it all about surrender, or my deeds to be accepted, obedience and worship or keeping the connection alive? I’m not in a position to find the right answer or even a bunch of answers, I’m just begging for some inner peace to help me get going. 

A meeting

I called them all and set a meeting, I insisted that it was urgent, or did I beg? Sometimes I sound pathetic or was my tone convincing. Anyway, they started to appear one after the other. I enjoyed watching them gazing at each other, no one could recognize the other, of course, I was the only one who witnessed their stupidity, failure and defeats, and I was the only one living on their pain. 

It felt chaotic in the beginning, everyone was in a hurry, restless and noisy as they have always been. Curses, shouts and objections filled my world for a few minutes before I firmly asked them to shut up. I stuttered as usual, my voice trembled with despair, yet I was able to tell them, “ please, let’s end this war”.

Sarcastically laughs, more curses and angry shouts hit me mercilessly but I repeated in a firmer tone, “ enough is enough let’s end this”. I looked around to see hatred, prejudice and fear. They were all defeated, yet they did not want to admit. Distorted versions of themselves, yet they still had the energy to be mean. The humming got louder and louder, their noise whirled around me just as in one of my nightmares. Some were starting to leave, while others engaged in silly fights, and most of them seemed to be indifferent. “No one is allowed to leave” I shouted like a lunatic, before adding, “ you know that I can destroy you all”. The humming did not stop nor the provocative sarcastic laughs, but I kept repeating “I can destroy you all, I will destroy you all”. 

Was it a moment of silence, or was it my imagination, anyway, what happened was more important, so let me try to recall. “ I didn’t best….”, “ that was the most urgent thing at that time….” “ but didn’t you want this? Weren’t you dying to do this?” “You were convinced that this is the right thing to do….” “ don’t blame me it was their fault, not mine”, “ I didn’t expect it to last that long?” Sighs and tears interrupted the genuine confessions, but at that point I was overwhelmed by what I was hearing. They kept confessing, and the more they spoke the weaker they started to feel. “You are the one to be blamed, not me”, “ I had to do so, they never liked me”, “you wanted to please them, to please him, to please her,…”, “ I thought that you were in control,….”, “ why didn’t you change the situation, why didn’t you defend me, why didn’t you fight for our rights?”, “how many years you wasted day dreaming and now you blame me?”, “ you faked everything so I just followed what you did,I ….”, “ you kept suppressing  me day and night, how would you expect me to behave?”, “ yes I begged for love, I did this to please you, don’t you remember how needy you were?…”, “you didn’t allow me to complain, sorry the pain had to find its way”, “ no,no, I wasn’t hypocritical, I just helped you to survive. You can’t be that ungrateful?”, “ they loved you! Have I ever told you this? No, now you are making things up”, “ don’t blame me for your faults, desires, weaknesses, I’m done living with your whining,….”, “you did what you believed was good, ok, you didn’t put all your effort in most of the situations but maybe you still have a chance,…”. 

Their screams became deafening as they walked towards me, their breaths were getting warm in a disgusting way, the anger filled the space. No, it wasn’t anger but every negative emotion a man had ever experienced. The crowd got close and closer, their breaths kept hitting me as the confesses were cascading from every direction. My tears were flowing as their confesses were hitting unforgettable scenes of a long life. The scares were all bleeding at the same time, and the “pain was unbearable” as I have always used to say. 

I fainted. I fainted and only god knows for how long I was away in that scary isthmus, but I retuned back. Weak and dizzy, yet I was able to recognize what they left. I was alone on the battlefield or was it the meeting place, anyway I was alone. Each of them left me a memento, either to tease me, to hurt me or to justify his sins and prove that they were all my faults. I tried to stand up, I stumbled many times, many times more than I can count, but at the end I stood still. Were they right? Were these all my sins? Am I the only one to be blamed? Do I really have the courage to destroy them all? Isn’t destroying them means one thing…. To put an end to my endless trail of failures. To end this journey of misery and to bravely stop the pain.