let us....

 Let’s recreate our own world, the world of others will never suit us. Let’s cancel relations. Let’s cancel names. Let’s cancel time, yes please let’s cancel time. We don’t need to call our relation, lovers? According to whom? The others, those residing outside our world? Time has always been the enemy, the ticks of time means separation, one of us had to leave with a promise to meet soon. Soon was never soon enough. Don’t you know that I want to spend every single moment of my life with you. They see it as an obsession. Who? Those others, the ones who never understood love, or are not used to me as a lover. For them, I became weird, weirder than usual, I became …. I don’t really know and I don’t care how do they perceive me. Anyway we won’t have them in our world.

If only you give me a chance, one chance to revive our love story. One chance to enjoy the remaining time. Maybe I have a few years left, am I destined to waste them in such pain?

Apparently I’m not good at the game of ( imagination). Or your love is stronger than me, stronger but not that legendary love. That love of those who wish their lovers the best as they withdraw to wither away. Will time help me? Time, that wicked thing will it turn my love into a mature one, or will I just lose hope and treat our story as a reminder of eternal happiness, a preview of paradise. I can’t do anything but think of you, and ironically it seems the only logical thing to do. Where was all this love before meeting you? How did I live all these years without the bliss and pain of love. Anyway, all what I have to do now is to breathe, smile and imagine that we are together

The "Imagination" phase

 

I returned back to the “ imagination” phase. I imagine that we are sitting together now, spending our time together. Of course you noticed how I have been paranoid about the passing of time lately. Yes, I want to spend my time with you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, maybe this will compensate all the years that we wasted alone, and with the insignificant others. I have to concentrate to create the perfect composition, to think of what you will say, how our eyes will meet, who will smile first, no, who will laugh first and how will it be difficult for us to say ciao. I will call you on my way back, that hoe I imagine. I will recall all the minute details of the day, the gossip and the stupidity of work, Cairo traffic and July’s heat. You will comment on the songs I listen to, and our conversation will divert again and again, we will start by Fairouz as usual and this time, I imagine, we will talk about Oum kalthoum songs. “ when will we sing again” I will ask and you will laugh as usual. I’m torn between our memories and my imagination. All the circumstances tell me that we could not have escaped, I can admit it now. But why did not we have more time together? Why did not we stay together to share our pain? Do I need that master scene where the lovers weep together before farewelling each other. That very last scene before “The End”. The cruelest thing about movies is that they don’t show you what happens after “ The End”, and now my whole life became that unknown phase. I imagine us in a road trip, a long one, singing together, laughing on the inaccurate lyrics and the strange tones. Our stories will interweave as we speak, I will tell you all what happened before meeting you and you will do the same. Even in my imagination sessions I ignore talking about the future, may be we both know that all what we own is that current moment. Lost in a ridiculous maze of thoughts, even my sub conscious is trying to avoid what is unethical, what would have been mean or unfair. My subconscious has a lot of restrictions, is this ironic or what? Now I understand why you ran away, I’m tangled in endless do(s) and don’t(s), it became my own tiny cocoon. How can I even imagine with all these limitations? Maybe I should start imagining the new me, the capable, the decisive and the one who is ready to pay the price. Was your love a call to liberate me? Am I taking a lot of time to understand that message or am I just ignoring it. A mirage that I’m chasing foolishly and running away from everyone else… have you understood all this with your irritating wisdom? Why is it taking me that long to realize that everything is wrong with me? Some people are too hopeless to change, I know, maybe they will have a better chance in their other life, I am ready for the process. I want your love to kill me, only if I will be resurrected with your love again

I was stupid

 

I was stupid. I have been trying to be as genuine as possible in everything and with everyone and this is the ultimate stupidity. This is not how humans deal with their surroundings and I’m a human being, a stupid human being. So? Have you learned your lesson? Is it time to start over, a fresh start with a new and normal mindset.

What you called masks, turned to be normal daily make up that people put, even men put sunscreen, balm and oil to their skin. You were the only one walking naked with your honesty and sins. Believe me honesty is tiring and repelling. People can’t stand honesty, it baffles them, make them question their own integrity and you know what we are all sinners, aren’t we? I deserve a break, a break from your love, from my memories, from our songs and artistic movies, a break from my dreams. Let me enjoy the mundane details of life just like everyone, laugh with others about mediocre things, get excited about silly stuff and get angry about everything around me in a calculated manner like everyone else. Let me be a copy of others, those ordinary people who accept the unfair rules of life, who surrendered to its absurdity and live their days without real happiness or real sadness. Apparently they are wiser than me, apparently this is how human beings live. It’s strange that I’m saying this now, as this morning I was thinking that I loved you just to empathize with everyone instead of being isolated in my own cocoon. You left me to feed me an unbearable pain on daily basis, this pain will show me how everyone else around me is suffering. I’m trying to justify my defeat, my wound or even trying not to blame you. Ok, no time to talk about you or your love, I have to get ready for my new personality. The one who doesn’t share his emotions with anyone, the one who knows how to hide his feelings and most importantly the one who perfectly acts as a happy cheerful optimistic person. Let us enjoy the new man and wish the old one eternal happiness and peace in another world.

It is Sad

 

 The whole story is sad, and it doesn’t end, although I thought that it came to an end. I was mistaken, drained? Yes. Bitter? Yes. But, I still feel the same pain, what is different now is that I’m tortured by both rationally and irrationality. Neither my memories nor my hopes have any mercy.

You proceeded with your life, I know. Now our conversations are expected to be friendly, nice and superficial. I can’t turn you into a friend. I simply can’t. Although sometimes a faint voice tries to convince me that friendship lasts longer than love. You are stubborn, and you love to prove that you are right, so even if you miss me you will never admit it.

You are the one whom I want to spend my time with. Can you see how simple, straightforward and even childish this sentence is? But this is how I really feel. After wasting all these months, I still have the same urge to tell you that I love you and that it doesn’t seem logical that we are not together. I forgot whom I was before loving you, and I’m still trying to understand this version of myself , the version that was created by your love. I have to admit that I’m not in my best state right now, I feel hopeless and tired, but even in such a miserable condition I want to recall our love, I want to imagine what would it have felt I’d we were together now. Together planning things, postponing things and cursing things. My imagination doesn’t last that long, and after a few minutes I realize that we are not together and that maybe you see me now as a friend and nothing more. It is sad, so sad.