The "Imagination" phase

 

I returned back to the “ imagination” phase. I imagine that we are sitting together now, spending our time together. Of course you noticed how I have been paranoid about the passing of time lately. Yes, I want to spend my time with you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, maybe this will compensate all the years that we wasted alone, and with the insignificant others. I have to concentrate to create the perfect composition, to think of what you will say, how our eyes will meet, who will smile first, no, who will laugh first and how will it be difficult for us to say ciao. I will call you on my way back, that hoe I imagine. I will recall all the minute details of the day, the gossip and the stupidity of work, Cairo traffic and July’s heat. You will comment on the songs I listen to, and our conversation will divert again and again, we will start by Fairouz as usual and this time, I imagine, we will talk about Oum kalthoum songs. “ when will we sing again” I will ask and you will laugh as usual. I’m torn between our memories and my imagination. All the circumstances tell me that we could not have escaped, I can admit it now. But why did not we have more time together? Why did not we stay together to share our pain? Do I need that master scene where the lovers weep together before farewelling each other. That very last scene before “The End”. The cruelest thing about movies is that they don’t show you what happens after “ The End”, and now my whole life became that unknown phase. I imagine us in a road trip, a long one, singing together, laughing on the inaccurate lyrics and the strange tones. Our stories will interweave as we speak, I will tell you all what happened before meeting you and you will do the same. Even in my imagination sessions I ignore talking about the future, may be we both know that all what we own is that current moment. Lost in a ridiculous maze of thoughts, even my sub conscious is trying to avoid what is unethical, what would have been mean or unfair. My subconscious has a lot of restrictions, is this ironic or what? Now I understand why you ran away, I’m tangled in endless do(s) and don’t(s), it became my own tiny cocoon. How can I even imagine with all these limitations? Maybe I should start imagining the new me, the capable, the decisive and the one who is ready to pay the price. Was your love a call to liberate me? Am I taking a lot of time to understand that message or am I just ignoring it. A mirage that I’m chasing foolishly and running away from everyone else… have you understood all this with your irritating wisdom? Why is it taking me that long to realize that everything is wrong with me? Some people are too hopeless to change, I know, maybe they will have a better chance in their other life, I am ready for the process. I want your love to kill me, only if I will be resurrected with your love again