Move.....

 

Its time to return to real life. The story ended; the taste of your memories faded away. You have to admit that you stopped refereeing to it as your love story, I caught you thinking of it as the encounter, or even the “thing”, so lets pick up what you dropped, family, friends, work, and most importantly let us pick you up. Rise from the rubble, not like a legendary creature, just stand up as a man. An ordinary man who got his heart broken, yet he also got a clearer vision of how he should deal with his feelings. The first step is the hardest as they say, and laying down is a delicious feeling, we all know this, what can be more enjoyable than self-pity, but aren’t you done with all this whining? Aren’t you even bored? The life that Im pushing you to join is boring too, difficult and harsh but at least it is real. Real problems, real fights and real feelings. There is nothing fluffy there, no sweet melodies, no magical colors and no sheer happiness, but there is the taste of reality, which is a strong one.

You will stumble, more than once. It will be painful, you will be lonely and you will feel neglected and ignored, so what? C’est la vie. You have been in your imaginary world for so long, and its not only unhealthy but it’s pathetic. You got all your views distorted, and you wasted a hell of a time. I see you sitting in front of me as a human lump, with dead eyes and expressionless tired face, I don’t have any empathy for you. I am done with baby sitting you, I waited for a proper awakening, and you seemed unwilling to stand still, move your feet and take the first step. But now, I will push you, I will drag you if this is what I have to do.

I wish you didn’t consume all your love on that goddess that you foolishly created. I wish you left a sip of love, so that you can save yourself. You need to love yourself a bit, real and genuine love, not your naïve perception of love, but the kind of love that will make you stable. Aren’t you done by clumsiness? Madness? Romance? All these illusions, doesn’t it feel boring in your surreal world? Anyway, you don’t have to be convinced, put on the auto-pilot mode and move. Move….move….move.

A few questions

When did I idealize you? Or did I idolize you?

Was it from the very beginning, love at first sight as the teenagers say? Or was it a gradual process, in which I carried you to the highest skies while saving myself a place in the lowest hell. Maybe it all happened as we left, ooops, let me be accurate, as I was suddenly and cruelly kicked out of your life. Yes, we tend to exaggerate the value and importance of what we lose, we feel our loss, our need to them and how our lives all of a sudden seem unfamiliar and barren. I created my own goddess, whether quickly or at a rational pace, my creation was too good even for a goddess, I gave you every possible virtue, beauty, wisdom, elegance, and unfortunately, I gave you the right to ruin my life by a mere whatsapp emoji, a 21^st century goddess!

Im crazy, I know, but this is not a new thing, being irrational, unrealistic and unexpected has always been a big or even the main part of my persona. So, what is new? When will I return back to my bearable level of madness, when will I realize that you are a normal person, good or bad, great or mediocre, a person, just a person and not a goddess. You are not to be blamed, in fact you can leave this whole thing without any grain of guilt, it is a very personal conflict issue between me, myself and I. You highlighted some of my major defects, so maybe after a couple of years I will look back and thank you, and hopefully I will not curse you before reaching that level of maturity.

I am in the long and tiring process of getting back to my senses, at least my familiar level of irrationality. I have to unmake you the center of my life and must convince my subconscious that you are not welcomed in my dreams anymore. Remember when I used to say that I loved myself more in your presence, I seemed more handsome and funnier. No, I was not, maybe I was confused or deceived but I was not at ease, and being with you did not feel that safe and comfortable. I created the scenarios that would please any man, the serendipity, the bliss of love, the happiness of being together, and the profound meaning of every song. I created a beautiful romantic movie and enjoyed playing it endlessly, till you got bored, you panicked and decided to quit the whole surreal setting. The devil in me was ready to revenge, and it was me who thought of destroying. Let the cameras keep rolling, what can be better than a bitter melancholic romantic movie. Keep burning your days and nights in the temple of your wise and beautiful goddess. Blame yourself, and magnify your defects and praise her, keep praising her and enjoy your pain. Befriend your pain, unite with him, invite him to your thoughts, dreams and conversations, let this pain leave its marks on your tired features. Be gloomy, moody and edgy, aren’t you a lover who lost the love of his life? Depression suits you, right? Hate your life, belittle your own people, create detailed old scenarios when they neglected or ignored you. Remember to look up at your goddess, you love her, never forget this, love is your new identity now, you can not survive with this love, its memories and pain. Don’t lose this new identity, otherwise you will keep wading in your mundane life. Love made you a protagonist, at once you are the hero, what a change, what a luscious feeling. Would you ever return back to be one of the antagonists? Really, can you resist the glorious feeling of being finally up on the stage. Don’t your tears look majestic, your pain feels glorious and your whining sound poetic. Do you want to return back to the gossipy boring conversations, where your people complain about the traffic , prices and weather. The unadorned image of real life seems scary, right? You just need to Wake up, I cant tell you take your time, as I honestly believe that you wasted invaluable nights crying on an imaginary love story.  You really have to grow up.

 

 

A nightmare

 I had a nightmare yesterday. It was brief just as all nightmares, but it was intense, a sudden dose of pure fear. I was aware of everything, the shock, the fear and the pain. It was a kind of horror movie’s metamorphosis thing. Should not have to be that scary but it was, I was turning into a shapeless lump, every feature of me was changing quickly into other unfamiliar forms, as if I was melting, as if I was turning into another creature. The process was quick, scary and painful. I woke up and this is really an unusual things to happen based on my very few nightmares. I felt the heaviness of my body, my legs and abdomen, for a moment I thought that I was still in that wicked dream. After a few seconds which of course seemed much longer, I moved my neck in an attempt to recognize my surroundings and that was it. I slept, woke up, slept and woke up many times before deciding to leave the bed and face my real nightmare. It kept visiting me throughout the day. It was simply a glimpse of hell, and that made me realize that you were my glimpse of paradise. Our encounter was sudden, brief and profoundly enjoyable. I was absorbed in your love and forgot all my life. It was intense to the extent that it felt as my salvation or a final reward for passing a mediocre life. 

I have always thought of a better ending, a more merciful one, a gradual one. What would happen if we stayed together much longer then boredom intruded and we left with no pain and with no regrets. I know that everything happens for a reason but why am I left with that idealistic perception of you and of the whole story? The only thing that I wanted was to be with you till my last breath, to share my life with you in the most straightforward and direct way. This did not happen and I am left with a goddess- like version of you and an undeniable depression. 

A glimpse of paradise, yes that is how I see the time we had. What was my sin to be kicked out of that long awaited happy state? Time passes, I know, and sometimes I try to convince myself that although the ending was harsh yet there could have been worse scenarios. Now, all what I have to do is to keep moving, in a while neither nightmares nor happy moments will remind me of you. Or maybe I will just remember you and move on. 

Good morning,

I want to tell you that Im trying my best to be fine, Im trying to rebuild a life. Im trying to smile whenever you come across my mind, you see, Im smiling all day. No seriously, Im trying to move on, I will understand later, that is what I’m telling myself, lets move on and later we can pause and try to understand. The “what if”s are being silenced rudely, they will not help at all at this stage. I sleep, eat like a depressed elephant, if there is such a thing, and do some work. I watch the days passing, they pass quickly, and sometimes I catch myself stopping at specific dates for a while. Yes, I pause a lot on that day that we first met, somedays I call it my real birthday, my real-life day, and sometimes I call it my Ashoura, or at least my very own 9-11.

 

I am ok, I still listen to Fairouz, and I feel every sigh of all those in love. I wish people happiness, more than ever. Yesterday, I thought of those who chose to continue their lives in far away monasteries, I have always wondered about such drastic decision, how can someone leave everything, life with all its temptations, liveliness and familiar chaos to surrender to a life of nothingness, or to repeat one single day over and over and over till you leave this world. But yesterday I believed that I got the concept, it is the state of being satisfied by love, of being completed by love, of being lost in love. I will build my own monastery, I will hide in it, while moving on. I will go to work, attend meetings, respond to emails, I will call friends, I will go to dinners, I will pay bills and I will respond to funny comments on facebook, I will do everything while the real me will be in my own monastery of love.

In our every -now- and- then calls I tell you all the general things, for me they are super unimportant, but I don’t tell you that I miss you and that I miss telling you that I love you. I can’t tell you that I still believe that there is hope, and that time will be my ally at the end and we will be together. All of these words are hidden in my own monastery, hidden with thousands of your photos, I imagine you a dozen of times everyday, and I create photos of you. Maybe I will call you this afternoon to mention all the mundane details of my day, work, weather and migraine, you will speak with a minimum amount of enthusiasm about nothing in particular. I will make sure that we are both talking, the moments of silence scare me. I will make sure that we still have these phone calls every now and then. 

 

I'm a palace with 1001 rooms

 

I’m a palace with 1001 rooms, and as you left suddenly, I have to pass by every room to shut the windows, turn off the lights or simply seal the door. How long will it take me to put things to order? The silence became very noisy. Can you imagine that I wake up in the middle of night feeling the numerous voids in me. But voids drag you into them, sadness seeps into you, time passes by until you hear some sounds in one of the rooms. I leave the void and run towards that room, maybe there was a memory forgotten there, maybe a proper farewell was said there or even a tiny part of me has returned there. But as I reach that room it turns into another void, colorless and depressing, but I am dragged into it again. That is how my days are spent, being lost in my deserted palace, which is only haunted by me.

When we were together, I was tremendously happy, and it seems that happiness gives you supernatural powers, I was managing everything perfectly, the 1001 rooms were buzzing with scenes, melodies, laughter and future plans. The only fear I had back then was the passing of time. Now the only hope is have is the passing of time.

Maybe I can store all the words that I didn’t get the chance to say in some of these rooms. Let them fill some of my voids. I’m stranded in an unknown place, alone with a dozen of my fake personalities that can not function anymore. Imagine how many words are blocking me, how many insincere smiles are piled around, and how many unfinished hazy dreams that I try to understand. Let everything collect dust, maybe some of my voids will be filled.
Sleeping became my only salvation, you stopped appearing in my dreams. I sleep a lot for a day or two then sleeping runs away leaving me with migraines, mugs of cold coffee and numbness. I wake up to attend a meeting, I may fake a serious look, maybe succeed in looking interested in whatever is said, mission accomplished. I leave the meeting and return to the palace of 1001 rooms, maybe I find something that will force me to smile, cry or feel anything. I sleep for a couple of hours until I’m violently awakened by the nothingness that became my life

The story did not end

 

I’m a big liar. The story did not end. I still love you as profound as I did long ago. I’m just tired and lost. I thought that I can quit, simply quit and distract myself by the endless absurdities of life, but it wasn’t possible. I played all the possible mental games, I gave my love mediocre names, longing, habit energy, missing, … but no, what I feel is just pure love. 

During that short period when I thought that I was done, I experienced an eerie feeling of emptiness, it was both overwhelming and underwhelming. I was insomniac but I slept. I didn’t have any appetite but I ate. I wasn’t able to say a single word but I communicated with others. Isn’t strange how love shapes us? I can admit that I became more empathetic, more understanding and more accepting. I understand now why people commit suicide, why do they suddenly leave and why do they dreadfully age. Maybe they force themselves to end their love stories, they unplug without realizing that it’s not a love story anymore but a crucial part of their existence. Now I know the taboos, or that is what I assume. I will accommodate all the mood swings, I will bear the pain alone, I will be silent and move on. If this doesn’t work then I will scream, cry and complain. As you can see the plan is that there is no plan. I’m not sure of anything except that I love you, and I can’t let this love fade away.