The last day

 

Let me consider it to be the last day.

Anyway, there will be a last day, of course there will be a last day. Will I be aware of the end, will it be a sudden surprise, or a long-awaited moment after years of torture. Let me be practical for a change, and imagine this last day. Religion, or “religions” tell us, that it will be a journey, a journey from one realm to another, and we don’t know anything about that “other” realm. I don’t know if everyone on earth is subject to the numerous mood swings that hit me on daily basis, or is it only me, is this the middle age crisis that they kept bragging about, or just a normal phase as I’m hitting my fifties, is it because the world is embracing mediocrity vigorously, or because my Egypt is crumbling, or because all of the above?

 

I wont get distracted, so, it’s a journey, lets treat this as a given. A journey, where my soul, or I will take to reach the other world, without my body. Not a big loss, the enormous paunch, the unbearable stomach and colon ache, the deteriorating sight, the “spaghetti” muscle that suffer from cramps all the time. Let this body decay, I am not a king, a monk or a martyr, so let my flesh and bones decay and let what is left of me glide to the other side.

But what is on the other side? I don’t have any other option but to believe that there I will be received by the absolute mercy of Allah, God, the creator. Seriously, what are the other options? Hell, torture? Horror, terror, panic,….. but why? Because I did not spend my nights praying and my days fasting! Ok, millions of people believe in this, but maybe I’m allowed to adopt a different approach. I can honestly confess that I have never intended to harm anyone, and whoever was harmed because of me , my behavior and my actions, are the ones that I have always included them in my prayers. My prayers, ah, these were limited, done while being absent minded, slightly sleepy, always in a hurry. I know! Have I spent hours and hours thinking about God, the reason of our creation, my role in life and how to fulfill it, no, no, I did not. Maybe I still lack maturity, and I am wondering around in life, getting excited about this and that, lingering here, investing time and energy in work, or studies, getting engaged in silly gossip or lame fights, fantasizing holidays or trips, or day dreaming about retirement plans.

I have attended several burials, witnessed how the corpse is laid on the sand and left alone against a crescendo of prayers, sighs and weeps. One day I will be left alone. Our religious literature exaggerated in describing these moments, in a depressive way. Did they mention anything about freedom? Our freedom from the limitations of our bodies and minds, the freedom from our desires and fears, no, the religious men did not tell us anything about freedom. Some optimistic shieks compared death to sleeping, a sleep is a sleep, no matter was it a long or a short one, it’s a phase or a period, where the body and soul rest. Hopefully my sleep won’t include nightmares.

What am I talking about? Death as a phase, or death as a journey, or what will happen after it. Or am I talking about life, and what should be done, or achieved in it before leaving to the other realm. Will there be regrets? Of course, but why? Why are we tailoring the other realm to our animalistic or rather diabolic instincts, sorrow, regret, revenge, anger,…… even justice, justice according to whom? Allah, so let Allah be the only judge, Allah the merciful, Allah who knows our struggles, our hearts and our weaknesses. Let Allah accept us as we were, and as much as we were trying to improve, and as much as we were trying to resist surrendering to our devils. Again, can any of us think of any other option rather than the infinite mercy of Allah.

 

So, back to my last day. I don’t want to romanticize it, but it should be special, mmm not necessarily special! Apparently, I have been brainwashed by the religious propaganda that keep the masses alert, fit and worried. This approach became repelling, and I can’t surrender to it anymore. The heated sermons stopped resonating with me, the threats stopped making any sense and the rewards are not tempting, their paradise is not mine and definitely their hell isn’t mine. Fine, I am still a believer, but one who is obsessed by the mercy of Allah, his absolute forgiveness and the serenity that will follow. Yes, it is all about the serenity, this is what I am dying for, that state of mind, the inner peace, the nirvana. Where there are no fears, worries, regrets, pains, sorrows, misunderstandings, longings, disappointments, shortcomings, failures,……

 

It seems that there is a plan here, a plan of “doing nothing”? Not really, maybe it’s a plan of clinging more and more to the mercy of Allah, being ridiculously optimistic that the journey will be short, or rather swift, and that the other “bank” as my ancestors believed, will be a serene peaceful place. Maybe it’s a plan of being more compassionate towards others, no need to add anything to my baggage, no room for grudges, not even the slightest resentment. Maybe a plan of letting go, leaving all what will eventually be left. Waking up from the illusion of achievements, possessions and even memories. The crazy pace with which the days are passing should teach me, that life is becoming more of a mirage, so I just have to adjust my pace to be able to proceed. No time for lingering, and no strength to add more and more sins and scars.