Acceptance

 

Do I mean acceptance or surrender? Either way, both are difficult to attain. It seems that for a man to survive, he has to accept his defeat on a daily basis. Or he has to surrender to his fate…. Do we even know what fate is? Let me ignore this “moment of truth”, and let me confess that I have been successfully distracting myself for so long. Maybe I only confront myself, my “selves”, whenever I pause to write. Only then I am honest, blunt and sincere. Isn’t it too early to lose hope? Haven’t I always repeated that “I have a big appetite for life”? So what happened, why am I just numbly wading through the days as if I was promised an eternal life. Why do I keep postponing every important decision, crucial action, and unavoidable confrontation?

Fear has controlled my life; it’s obvious! The fear of the truth, the truth of everything. Am I a hypocrite? Definitely! Gratitude? I just keep murmuring Elhamdolella without any sense of the word, without any consciousness. I acquired a new habit, an ugly habit of counting the days, x days till the summer, y days till the deadline, z days till my birthday, and so on. It seems as if I’m intentionally wasting my life, self-revenge? Yes, it is, I can’t consider it anything else. My body is betraying me on so many levels, I’m aging, and this is not a metaphor or even an exaggeration. Maybe my body is aching from all my disappointments, despair, and melancholic approach to every single aspect of life. It’s not about being sensitive, creative, or empathetic; it’s an ocean of pure sadness that engulfs me. The cocktail is diabolical: self-lashing, despair, sadness, weakness, numbness, hypocrisy, and a sense of indifference that is turning my life into a silly, boring game.

I wake up, and I depend on my auto-pilot. Days pass, and as I get better and better at the art of non-confrontation, the catastrophes pile up around me. I crawl slowly with a painful certainty that my whole world will collapse soon, or maybe my ability and will to keep going will come to an end.  There is something fundamental missing in my life. What do I miss or what did I lose? How will I know if all I do is waste my days on distractions? Why is it becoming so difficult to confront myself and face all my fears? Why am I experiencing bitterness in everything? “The world is coming to an end”, isn’t this what they say? But still, why do I have to feel such sheer pain, fear, and sorrow? My brain is turning my depressive thoughts into scary collages that blur my perception. Enough! I have to stop here, and waste more time on a mundane thing before I call it a day