Sisyphus

You turned me to Sisyphus, I wake up every morning burdened by your love, I carry it and ascend on the mediocrity of my life, I keep going patiently but at the end I realize that I lost your love along the way. You were decisive, honest and firm, you put an end to what you saw as a premature love story. Yet, I clung to this story as strong as I could. A curse, maybe it’s a curse. Wasn’t Sisyphus punished by the wise gods? But what did I do? What was my sin? Was it because I denied love?

 

Tomorrow will be another day for poor Sisyphus, who is tortured by love and cured by love. He will wake up for another spin in such an eternal hurricane of hope and despair. One day he will stop, stand still and refuse to take another step. It will be the day when the sweet taste of memories disappears leaving only a terribly bitter taste. O god, how do I fear the coming of such a day?

 

I met Love

If I want one thing to be remembered about me, let them say “he met love”. I did not find love, I did not know love, and of course, I did not understand love. I just “met” love, in the most unexpected phase of my life. I should be grateful, right? You once told me that some people live and die without knowing or experiencing such profound feelings. I remember how pragmatic you were at that moment, stating such an analysis while I was gasping for a breath of hope. I can’t deny, some people don’t taste this torture in their lifetime, some people live without dying of longing every day, some people continue living in a balanced way.

Why do I sound angry? You saw the whole story from a different perspective, and I can’t force you to consider a different scenario. No matter how much do I beg, but who begs for love? With all these thoughts whirling in my mind I’m questioning the meaning of love, what does it really mean to love someone? What do I want? I want you to be happy, simply I want you to be happy, even if we won’t be together anymore. There were moments where we were connected, brief moments, few moments, but they existed, there was no you and no me, we were together. I remember the whispers, the caresses and the relaxed breathes. I remember the peace and happiness engulfing us and I want more of these moments.

Am I escaping the brutality of our world by living the beauty of our love? Am I fabricating a surreal realm? I can see you smiling now, you have always accused me of being irrational. But how can a lover be rational? Again, what is love? Is it all these incomprehensible contradicting feelings, which include a bit of possessiveness? What do I really need or want if I already love you? Your love, really? But its not a transaction and it should never be. I love you and that is what happened to me, you should not be concerned. I wont even disturb you by repeating “I love you” again and again. I am sorry, I am mean, but apparently sometimes your love feels like a burden that I cant bear. I am sorry, this was something you should not hear.

“Do you remember when I told you….” No, no,  I should stop bothering you, “C’est finie” as they say. But still there is a faint hope whispering in my heart, telling me that I can earn your love, may be next year, may be after 10 years…. May be after you wade through one or two love stories, less glamorous ones than ours, I mean less glamorous than mine. May be then you will look around, maybe you will search for me, and I assure you that I will be there, waiting for you.

LOVE

“I love you”.It is not that whisper said in bed, not the one murmured indifferently between bored couples and it is not the one said carelessly by naïve teenagers. I love you; I love you more than I had ever imagined and honestly, I realized that I know nothing about love. But who does? Again, what is love? They say “beauty is in the eyes of the beholder” but I found that “beauty is in the eyes of the lover”. May be my love is creating a better version of you, someone who won’t hurt me, someone who doesn’t really exist, and most importantly someone who loves me.

“I love you so much” that was what I sent you today, too precious words to be sent via the cruel mobiles, too genuine feelings to be waiting for the cold grey Whatsapp ticks to get blue. “I don’t know what should I say” that was your reply, which was sent immediately, thank you! You are right, you are right with all your versions, the real one, and the ones I created and the ones I keep creating every single day. “What shall you say?” love doesn’t need an answer, love doesn’t wait for a reply and love can’t be explained or even justified. “I love you” is the beginning and the end of a very short long story. “I love you” is enough, does not need an answer, and definitely does not need a reason. So, what is love all about? Spending the rest of our time on earth together? Impossible. Leaving everything and everyone behind and starting over? Impossible. Lingering between heaven and hell? Im currently in that vague isthmus?

What do I want from you? With all your rationality and my delusionality, what do I expect. You saw the situation clearly, and realized that the story came to an end, and you mentioned more than once, that there was no story, but a possibility of a story, a faint possibility of a story. How cruel your honesty is? I wish you million things every day, and on some days, I wish that you taste that kind of love that is torturing me. On calmer moods I wish you happiness, and in other days I wish that you love me. Now I wish that you at least feel my love, my enormous love to you.

Apparently, it is me who does not understand the essence of love. Love does not need to be reciprocated, nor acknowledged. I once told you that it was not intended, it was not planned and I cant help but keep loving you. I sit here, faraway from you, wishing you happiness, imagining your smiles, remembering your witty comments and resisting sending you a message saying “I love you”.

 

 

I miss you….I miss me

 

I have been silent these past few days. I wanted to send you millions of messages, but I did not. I wanted to ask you if you were following what was happening in and to Gaza, but I did not. The world is a scary place, I am full of rage, and I am sorry to tell you that a big part of my rage is directed towards you. They say that the world is coming to an end, but I wanted you to love me a bit more, to fight for me slightly stronger. I feel that I turned into someone I don’t even like. Pathetic and needy.

Maybe you were right, I had a surreal romantic perception of how love is. A compensation for all defeats, failures and disappointments. But this is not love. You pushed me away, and unleashed all the insecurities that I had cleverly covered for a number of decades, or that was what I thought. Now, I am really lost, lost between two worlds, and can’t return to or settle in neither of them. Give me my life back, before knowing you, before clinging to your love, before turning you into a god. If you cant do this, take me to the realm of love, yes that thing that you called “surreal” “illusion”, whatever….take me to this world, and don’t leave me alone.

I am Alexandria

I’m Alexandria, you are the sea. You are Alexandria, I’m the sea. Alexandria is ancient, beautiful and graceful while the sea is massive, unpredictable and rough. Alexandria and the sea, an eternal story, a story of love, belonging and longing. Everyday the sea caresses the city, kisses its beaches and whispers to its sons. The city gazes at the beauty of the sea as it slowly crumbles. Some days the breezes hurts.

Alexandria, exhaust her and add wrinkles to her old facades. They told us the sea is harsh, didn’t they? May be this is how his love is shown? A possessive strong love that is eating the city Alexander the Great dreamy of. Alexandria, they say the sea will embrace you soon, it’s salty water will cover the wooden chairs of your coffee shops, the marble statues in your locked museums, the lovers, lunatics and beggars filling your streets. May be this is the price you had to pay for loving the sea. Every lover will pay for his love one day. Alexandria you loved the sea, and only god knows what will I pay?

How did we meet?

 

How painful that we will never sit with friends and answer this question. In fact I’m asking myself everyday, why did we meet? I became a wreck, useless corpse of someone who once had a life. I can’t return back to my previous life, frankly I don’t want to meet that zombie I used to be. But now, what am I now?

It rained today…. Rained so little but it was a nice change. I wanted to send you a message asking if it rained where you were, but I didn’t. I really wanted to send you one of my loud and crazy voice notes asking “ where are you?” But I didn’t. One message would have led to another and after a couple of hours we would have laughed, gossiped and teased each other.

“ go to one of your shrinks” that was what one of my friends told me. I should have told him that everyone in my life now is perceiving himself as a shrink. “ you look miserable” … “ you sound sad”…. “ you are not in the mood”…. Apparently you all want me to return back to the old version. But it’s too late, no one had ever survived love, one sided love, unfulfilled love.