I will stop

 I will stop worshipping gods and goddesses, I’ll start worshipping man. The scared, weak, lost creatures is the one who needs to be worshipped. For his continuous attempts to survive in such a harsh endless maze. We were given life as a gift that what we were told. Love, laughter, happiness, success, lust and other spices were sprinkled her and there to hide the stink of our miserable existence. Why worship the creators, the givers, the mighty gods, do they really need our submission? It’s time to look after ourselves, our fellow prisoners in this ruthless world. I should be sending my love, admiration and gratitude to those who strive everyday, only to take care of those who love. The weak who keep smile in spite of all the pain, in spite  of all the unjust and in spite of all the despair. The Gods and Goddesses linger in the heavens above us, enjoying our misery, while creatively complicating our fates.  Yet, we, the perishables, struggle to save our beloved ones, we wake up every morning knowing that it could be our last day. Time does not befriend us, it cruelly chops our health, beauty and sanity. The days swirl around us, turning to weeks and years. We keep repeating our prayers with hearts too numb to beat. Our eyes are losing their sheen, our voices are losing their tones and our touches are losing their warmth, yet we don’t stop murmuring the verses, the same supplications repeated in various languages from different holy books. The frightened pray vigorously while the skeptics are too stressed, maybe too drained to think properly or raise the serious questions. It has always been about fear, and unfortunately it will always be. Tomorrow I’ll stop worshipping gods and goddesses, but tonight I have to pray. 

C’est fini

    

Our story came to an end. C’est fini.  I have to admit that you won. You defeated me, I am totally crushed, and that’s it. I really wish that we haven’t ever met. Here I am saying it, repeating it and shouting it again and again, I wish I have never loved you. 

We met today, after a long period of absence, longing and imbalance. I sat infront oh you speechless, not because of your charm, I wasn’t able to say anything, my words were choking me, I wasn’t even able to listen to what you were saying. I was swaying between what we used to say and what I wanted to say in a totally different scenario. I wasn’t there at all. Only the beeps of your mobile were dragging me back to the same room, who was calling? Another lover, I mean another “someone” or “ anyone” who can be turned into a “ potential lover”, or maybe this is just a friend who can help you waste time, another “clown”. Or maybe that was the one, the one whom you will love, the one who will caress your hair while you discuss your future plans together, the one who will kiss you tenderly before you leave, the one who will hug you while you watch a movie together. Will you answer that guy who inherited my dreams, I mean who earned my dream. Maybe I’m mistaken, maybe that lover did not appear yet, and I’m still needed as a time-waster. 

You were harsh today. There was a challenging tone resonating in the room, you pretended to be sarcastic, and that was never your way. I stared at you trying to find traces of your older version, but all what I could see were blurred mirages of the goddesses I made of you. You were too indifferent, maybe you were bored, were you keen to answer all these calls? Sitting with a corpse like me is a burden not everyone can bear. 

I should have loved myself more, maybe then I would not have been sitting infront of you begging for a few nice words, a smile or even a quick laugh. I am sure that I became drained, every cell of me is full of sadness, it reached my soul, my being. I’m defeated, and you know it. Remember when I told you long ago that I have that paranoia of not knowing whether I should leave or stay, am I still wanted? Am I boring? Today I kept lingering and spent more time than I should. I was testing myself, my ability to hold my words, to swallow my bitterness and keep the lame conversation going on. Weather? Who cares about an early summer or a dusty spring , who cares if there will be another day tomorrow or life will end today. I wanted to ask you if you have ever loved me, if I can put my head on your lap, if you can move your fingers along my head, and if we can both stay silent for a few minutes. If you I can listen to your breaths, and familiarize myself with their rhythm. There were long pauses between us today, as if we consumed all the small talk, will we meet again? You were nicer in my dreams, those long day dreams where we sing, gossip and laugh, no missed calls, no indifference and no challenging tones. Maybe you were in a bad mood today, maybe I remind you of what you try to forget or maybe there is nothing more to say. You politely canceled several possible plans, you made fun of them before expressing your shock and disbelief in the possibility of us doing these things together. Were you trying to state the obvious? When will we meet again? I asked with a trembling voice, but you listed your plans till the end of the month, and assured me that we will be in touch. I was too tired to be angry, I nodded and left you with a dead smile. 

Hello sadness

 I have to befriend sadness, there is no point of resisting it, it is stupid to try to push it away if my days and nights. I welcome you to my life, I don’t have a specific routine, but please try to be gentle in your visits, can you give me signs that you are approaching me. Sadness, as you know, I’m obliged to do things, to deal with people and finish work. So, please don’t slap me suddenly, don’t paralyze me amidst what I’m doing, I don’t claim that I’m doing anything important, but crying in a crowd can’t and wont be justified. Sadness, I’m approaching half a century and I must admit that we have never met before, some people envy me for this, anyway let’s have a friendly relationship. I surrendered to you, it took me a while, but it happened, I just need to be ready to receive you, host you and share my moments with you. I know that it’s a personal journey, one that I can’t get advices or recommendations from friends, I’m not haggling here, I told you I surrendered, but as we will be friends, please tell me what should I expect, what will change after embracing you and quitting the hopeless resistance. You know that I’m tired, you have been there from the start, you saw how I tried to conceal you with memories, fake laughs and neutral messages, but nothing worked, I must admit you are grander than any other feeling that surrounded me lately. I have mistaken you for despair, and sometimes for bitterness or other emotions, but you are here hugging me tightly and introducing yourself as true sadness, my life parter for my coming days. You are profound, strong and attentive, I thought that you would be slightly passive or absent minded but, no, you comment on every scene, melody or sigh, you hit me, just to live and relive the pain again and again. Should I be grateful? Anyway, as I told you there i am don’t with questions, and from now on I will follow your instructions, I will cry, shout, and collapse based on the strength of your hits, I’m not expecting you to be merciful, and I will stop questioning the time needed for a full transition. I will be a sad person, ok, I have met a few of them, my eyes will loose that sparkle when excited or happy, the wrinkles will deepen and draw a map of loss, and my tone will change too. Sadness, I’m ready, welcome to my life. 

Your version of the story

 

Tell me your version of the story. I have been talking for so long, I told you the story several times, from every angle, I analyzed although I’m not that kind of person, or I tried to analyze. I tried to understand, anyway, I have been trying to recall all our moments, stitch assumptions together and come up with excuses for what has happened, or what did not happen. Now I have to shut up, step back, sit and listen to your version. 

For god’s sake speak, tell me, even for the last time. Tell me what happened to you, how did you see the story, how did you see me from the beginning till the end, is there an end, I mean are we now post- the end? I told you I will shut up, but I just want to throw all my questions. You once told me that your silence is an answer, and I have to admit that it is a very cruel answer. When you are silent you give the impression that you really don’t care, or that I’m not that worthy of an answer or of a conversation. Conversations mean that at least two people are interacting with each other, I have been in my endless lonely long monologues and I miss listening to you. Done with your polite scented es about the weather, the prices and the news, I want one of these phone calls to be about our love. No, about your love, whether it was super short, an illusion or a miss calculated move. I will be listening, scream, curse and cry, I’ll listen to all of this. Accuse me of anything and I’ll be patient, I will not interrupt you, I will not provoke you, I will listen and will do my best to understand. Don’t try to justify things, feelings are not justifiable, be yourself or be the relaxed and more spontaneous version of yourself. Don’t worry about being blunt, this won’t hurt me, I think I’m already dead, the dead don’t feel hurt. 

Are you wondering why do I need to listen to you? I don’t have a logical answer, and darling, you adore logic, it’s not curiosity, it’s not self lashing, or May be it’s a mixture of both plus other bloody things that I don’t even know how to describe them. I am trying to forget you, I am really trying, but as I keep monitoring every feeling, I am aware that I’m fooling myself, there is no way to forget you. So, what I’m going through now is a new phase, a phase where I question every mood I pass through, and my moods are endless these days. I’m easily distracted, always lingering between memories, dreams and lies. Yes, I’m lying a lot these days, about silly things, is this a side effect? No one ever mentioned that those defeated in love start to lie, maybe I’m trying to create a different reality, a world of me own, where I give life to the incidents that I wanted. I never lied on you, I wish I did, I wish I was smarter and ….. I should stop talking now and listen to you, please tell me your version of the story. 

I betrayed my people

 

“I’m just a man who wanted to be loved” I said this while laughing with a stranger. How awkward? I let him step forward in the long cashier queue, so he smiled and said that I’m a good man. That was my answer! Was it a moment of enlightenment, did I really realize all of a sudden that the whole story was because of my need to be loved? But you initiated the whole thing, you, not me. I’m not crazy, I mean I wasn’t crazy at that time, now, I’m the king of all crazy men. I mean at that time I was aware that you were cool, elegant, lovely and that I’m simple out of your league. So I did not dream or even dare to dream of loving you. I looked up to you as millions of mobs treat celebrities. There were no hopes, hence no pain. The phone calls started to be more frequent and it was obvious that the interest was mutual and that it was growing. As inexperienced I am, I surrendered, I confessed and I drowned in your love. Was it my fault? Was it your fault? Did you even love me or was I just an amusing game for your ego? There is no point of finding an answer and I don’t know why I’m telling you this, maybe I’m trying to escape from a maze of bitterness. I don’t want to be bitter, pathetic or vulnerable are ok, if this is what people see, let them say so, but bitterness is different. I want to keep the beauty and bliss of our love, I want to enjoy every memory and surprisingly I want to look up to you as a celebrity, just the way I used to when I first met you. I know that one day I’ll prefer silence than this redundant chatter but until I reach that phase I want to tell you everything and I want you to live and relive all these contradicting emotions. Speaking of emotions, don’t you think that my love was too much to handle, as if it was out of this world, maybe you saw it as a burden or even a problem. You were suddenly slapped by my decades-old thirst for love, you were shocked and concerned while I was smiling naively and sending you Fairouz songs. While I was euphoric you were trying to understand where this love was dragging you. I ruined everything by my foolish attitude, and I can’t blame you for being rational amid all this madness. I broke the rules, all the rules, those of love and those of gender, I betrayed my people…. Hahaha, hence none of my friends is showing any empathy. I exposed our vulnerability, I said what we never allow ourselves to say, I lingered when we should have moved on and I keep whining when we were trained to deny. Maybe I’m now receiving the curses of all men, the machos and the losers, all those men who see me as a traitor to our attitudes in love and relationships. Anyway, as I have always told you, I did not plan anything from the start.