Our story came to an end. C’est fini. I have to admit that you won. You defeated me, I am totally crushed, and that’s it. I really wish that we haven’t ever met. Here I am saying it, repeating it and shouting it again and again, I wish I have never loved you.
We met today, after a long period of absence, longing and imbalance. I sat infront oh you speechless, not because of your charm, I wasn’t able to say anything, my words were choking me, I wasn’t even able to listen to what you were saying. I was swaying between what we used to say and what I wanted to say in a totally different scenario. I wasn’t there at all. Only the beeps of your mobile were dragging me back to the same room, who was calling? Another lover, I mean another “someone” or “ anyone” who can be turned into a “ potential lover”, or maybe this is just a friend who can help you waste time, another “clown”. Or maybe that was the one, the one whom you will love, the one who will caress your hair while you discuss your future plans together, the one who will kiss you tenderly before you leave, the one who will hug you while you watch a movie together. Will you answer that guy who inherited my dreams, I mean who earned my dream. Maybe I’m mistaken, maybe that lover did not appear yet, and I’m still needed as a time-waster.
You were harsh today. There was a challenging tone resonating in the room, you pretended to be sarcastic, and that was never your way. I stared at you trying to find traces of your older version, but all what I could see were blurred mirages of the goddesses I made of you. You were too indifferent, maybe you were bored, were you keen to answer all these calls? Sitting with a corpse like me is a burden not everyone can bear.
I should have loved myself more, maybe then I would not have been sitting infront of you begging for a few nice words, a smile or even a quick laugh. I am sure that I became drained, every cell of me is full of sadness, it reached my soul, my being. I’m defeated, and you know it. Remember when I told you long ago that I have that paranoia of not knowing whether I should leave or stay, am I still wanted? Am I boring? Today I kept lingering and spent more time than I should. I was testing myself, my ability to hold my words, to swallow my bitterness and keep the lame conversation going on. Weather? Who cares about an early summer or a dusty spring , who cares if there will be another day tomorrow or life will end today. I wanted to ask you if you have ever loved me, if I can put my head on your lap, if you can move your fingers along my head, and if we can both stay silent for a few minutes. If you I can listen to your breaths, and familiarize myself with their rhythm. There were long pauses between us today, as if we consumed all the small talk, will we meet again? You were nicer in my dreams, those long day dreams where we sing, gossip and laugh, no missed calls, no indifference and no challenging tones. Maybe you were in a bad mood today, maybe I remind you of what you try to forget or maybe there is nothing more to say. You politely canceled several possible plans, you made fun of them before expressing your shock and disbelief in the possibility of us doing these things together. Were you trying to state the obvious? When will we meet again? I asked with a trembling voice, but you listed your plans till the end of the month, and assured me that we will be in touch. I was too tired to be angry, I nodded and left you with a dead smile.
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