I betrayed my people

 

“I’m just a man who wanted to be loved” I said this while laughing with a stranger. How awkward? I let him step forward in the long cashier queue, so he smiled and said that I’m a good man. That was my answer! Was it a moment of enlightenment, did I really realize all of a sudden that the whole story was because of my need to be loved? But you initiated the whole thing, you, not me. I’m not crazy, I mean I wasn’t crazy at that time, now, I’m the king of all crazy men. I mean at that time I was aware that you were cool, elegant, lovely and that I’m simple out of your league. So I did not dream or even dare to dream of loving you. I looked up to you as millions of mobs treat celebrities. There were no hopes, hence no pain. The phone calls started to be more frequent and it was obvious that the interest was mutual and that it was growing. As inexperienced I am, I surrendered, I confessed and I drowned in your love. Was it my fault? Was it your fault? Did you even love me or was I just an amusing game for your ego? There is no point of finding an answer and I don’t know why I’m telling you this, maybe I’m trying to escape from a maze of bitterness. I don’t want to be bitter, pathetic or vulnerable are ok, if this is what people see, let them say so, but bitterness is different. I want to keep the beauty and bliss of our love, I want to enjoy every memory and surprisingly I want to look up to you as a celebrity, just the way I used to when I first met you. I know that one day I’ll prefer silence than this redundant chatter but until I reach that phase I want to tell you everything and I want you to live and relive all these contradicting emotions. Speaking of emotions, don’t you think that my love was too much to handle, as if it was out of this world, maybe you saw it as a burden or even a problem. You were suddenly slapped by my decades-old thirst for love, you were shocked and concerned while I was smiling naively and sending you Fairouz songs. While I was euphoric you were trying to understand where this love was dragging you. I ruined everything by my foolish attitude, and I can’t blame you for being rational amid all this madness. I broke the rules, all the rules, those of love and those of gender, I betrayed my people…. Hahaha, hence none of my friends is showing any empathy. I exposed our vulnerability, I said what we never allow ourselves to say, I lingered when we should have moved on and I keep whining when we were trained to deny. Maybe I’m now receiving the curses of all men, the machos and the losers, all those men who see me as a traitor to our attitudes in love and relationships. Anyway, as I have always told you, I did not plan anything from the start.