FOMO or FOBS

 

FOMO

Isn’t this term among the trendiest ones? The fear of missing out! Seriously? May I coin a new term? Ok, what about FOBS? The fear of being stuck. Stuck in painful memories, unhealthy relationships, unrealized dreams and unfulfilled promises. Move, why don’t you? This what any of you would say. Easier said than done habibi, easier said than done. How can an ancient wreck move? How can I escape a very intricate web of sins, failures and weaknesses? 

FOBS, it’s a real nightmare that  haunts me every morning. For long decades I have that painful feeling of not belonging, neither to the place nor its people. No matter where am I or with whom, that idea or feeling keeps pulsating then the pulses turns to a wicked migraine that messes my already messy days. Being stuck! Yes I can’t deny that I have been stuck in almost every aspect of my life. Am I whining? No, no I am just stating that I am stuck and that recently I lost any hope of a real change. All what I wish for now is that things don’t get worse, am I getting older? Wiser or more vulnerable? Maybe this is the result of whirling around the states of attachment and detachment. One day I’m accepting my fate, my destiny and the fact that the whole world is deteriorating at a surprising pace. On other days, I pause to declare that I have to resist such a passive attitude and d something, anything to prove that I’m still alive. Missing out or being stuck, which state is more dangerous? But who is assessing? The others or me? Why do I keep questioning everything, a sudden wave of depression or am I becoming suddenly aware of my age, my responsibilities and my losses? I wish I could label my state as “ lack of spirituality”, won’t this be a good solution? Just pray or pray more and all your illusional thoughts will go away. How I wish things were that simple, but I know how I really feel, a sense of heaviness. Is it because of guilt , shame or anger? Haha am I repeating the cliches of the psychiatrists that I have dealt with? Could it be that I’m just sad, yes could this be pure sadness and I don’t know how to face it  or handle it. Maybe, I won’t ever deny that I’m vulnerable. However the whirling is getting stronger and faster and I’m aware of the passing of time and more painfully I’m aware of what I’m losing and missing. For years and years I had only one wish, one simple straightforward wish: CONTENTMENT! This is all what I want, I want the endless scenarios to stop running in my head 24/7. I need the fabricated consequences to disappear for a while and allow me to live, or at least experience life as it is. I want to have the will, energy and understanding to accept life with all its disasters and rewards. Why can’t I surrender to the limitations of my being and what I am offered and what I can do? Why can’t I accept that life is cruel and I should not take it personal. So whether I suffer from FOMO or FOBS, it does not really matter, my journey will come to an end and no one will have the time to analyze or even mention my fears.