A Farewell

 

I have been writing a lot about you, may be today I can write to you, a letter. My first letter, and hopefully it will be the last letter. A farewell. “I love you”, this is how I want to start my letter, I love you. Nothing more can be said, love is the start and the end, love is the whole story. You said love means responsibility, you said love implies consequences and you said a lot of other things that I don’t want to remember. I remember how everything started, some call it love from the first sight, but no, it wasn’t love, I have to admit, I was amazed, dazzled and overwhelmed, all at once. From the very beginning I understood that nothing can ever happen between us, your charm, elegance and grace contradicted with my clumsiness, but, and there is always a “but”, as soon as we started talking, it was impossible to stop. How talkative are you my lovely Sherhrazade! I was happy, we had a nice talk, you were really lovely on that day. I am sure that you enjoyed our conversation on that day too. Then we met, I was afraid, I faked an important appointment to leave, I told you later that I have always had that feeling, that I have to leave before people feel that I became boring or unwanted. I remember that you told me that I was silly.

Do you still remember? You were waiting for me to call and I was waiting for you to do the same. I remember how lovely you sounded when you said, “I did not want you to leave”. On our third meeting, I decided that I will be myself and I will show you the real me. “I love you”, that what I was sure about on that day. The feeling was enough, the feeling was surreal, the feeling was overwhelming. I did not know what to do or say, I did not want the hours to pass but they did. I had to leave, but on that day our love was born, it seems like ages ago. No words can describe the happiness I felt, it was rather a sense of joy, remember the dozens of silly massages I used to send you every night, “I love you….”

“I miss you….”

“I am so happy….”

“I love you…”

You told me latter that some people live and die without experiencing such a profound feeling, you are right, it was profound indeed, and it uprooted me. I can’t count the enjoyable lunches we had together, the long conversations, the details, the minute details and the confessions. This is turning into a very boring letter, I m losing my courage and confidence in front this blank piece of paper, just as I do in front of you. I really wished to tell you everything when we last met. I wanted to scream and say that this is torture, I would have hugged you, kissed you before leaving. This should have been the end, the proper end. But months ago, when I was asking for a last hug, when I was begging for a last kiss, you said NO, two letters only, just two letters, deprived me from a proper closure.

“I love you” and I love everything about you, even your eccentric opinions I considered them mere idiocies. Isn’t it strange to love places, times and people that I only knew about from you? Isnt it strange to wish to continue my life loving you. How many times did I want to tell you that we both wasted a lot of time before meeting each other, and that we can’t afford wasting more, but I did not. I thought that there will be enough time to say everything. I tried not to be hasty as usual, and wanted to enjoy your love at a slow pace, but apparently it wasn’t meant to be. I told a friend about you, he didn’t believe me, he did not expect these feelings, words and dreams to be mine. “Middle Age crisis” he said. But no, it is love, and I am not going to define it to you, we had this discussion before. My friend said time will cure me, I wanted to tell him that time is the enemy, may be time befriended you and helped you to forget me, to abort our love, and to enjoy my company as a friend. Time what a traitor, time isn’t helping me at all.

If you are still reading this letter, I want to ask for one last thing. Please remember me, remember me as I was, with all my defects, with all my genuine uncontrolled feelings, with all my unfulfilled dreams, and with all the songs that we did not sing together. I want you to think of how beautiful our last kiss would have been, how tender our last hug would have been, and how noble our last tears would have been. I want you to understand that although “some people live and die without experiencing such feelings”, those who experience love the way I did are neither alive nor dead. I am somewhere between my previous life and the life that we could have had together. I am whirling between the heaven of love and the hell of longing. Don’t forget me, don’t label me as someone whom you met, whom you could have loved, don’t label me. Plant me in your memory, don’t let time sweep me away, keep our memories, smile whenever you remember one of our silly jokes, miss me, even if you know that it was impossible for us to be together. Forget your logic, forget your discipline but please don’t forget me. I love you.