Gobran Once said....

 

I once read that the one who loves is happier than the one who is loved, and that love is a great force of giving, and givers are always in a state of bliss. I love you, but I am not happy. Yes a great force of giving, I agree, I am giving myself away, I am losing myself to jealousy, fear and anxiety. I have been questioning myself day and night if I am confused between love and attachment or a sick urge of belonging or any other mental disorder. I have been trying to pacify myself for so long, and the result is more stress, and an unbearable sense of longing. I am paving my way for a classic case of schizophrenia, every night I weave a happy scene of us together, I pick a moment from the past, say all what I wasn’t able to say, all what I wasn’t given the chance to say, I put the words on your lips, I imagine you smiling, we drink coffee and something sweet, always there is something sweet, sometimes we sing and laugh, sometimes we watch a movie, and sometimes we visit places. All these were simple plans that we did not do.

Gobran once said that we never miss the ones we love as they are always with us. O, Gobran, I don’t agree at all, with all my respect, the one I love is always with me, but missing the real encounters is something else. Maybe I did not reach that celestial state that Gobran meant yet. Maybe I still miss your hugs, your kisses and the sweet feeling of your hair. Does this make me a lustful person, or will this remove me from the list of platonic lovers? It is not only about hugs, touches or kisses, it is simply about everything, the mood swings, the depression, the migraine, all the ups and downs of our daily lives. Yes, I want to know what happened in your day even if its boring, I want to hear your cursing someone on the phone, I want to witness you being irrational, provocative or selfish. I want a big slice of the real thing.

The cold messages loaded with silly emojis are becoming dreadful, they seem to be your way, your efficient way of keeping a friendly buffer. Am I supposed to thank you, to be grateful for taming my feelings, for your wise and civilized operation of turning a lover to a friend? It wont work, it has never worked, and I am really losing myself throughout the process. Till now I smile whenever I remember you, I still hear cheerful music whenever I think of you, am I on the verge of psychosis? do not worry it not an obsession, its pure and profound love, a feeling that I have never experienced and was not ready for its consequences.  Dear Gobran, yes, the ones we love are always with us, but we miss them, we miss them in an unbearable way.