Can I meet me?

 

I must drop all the masks, all of them at once, let me face the scares, the rot and the ancient dead soul that I have been hiding by layers and layers of masks. I have to admit some were good, some were amazing and a few were mediocre, but they all worked. So, who am I without all these masks? Can I meet me, without the chaise lounge of my therapists, and without filtering my words and oppressing my rage? Just like everyone I have been rushing tomorrow, pushing today and ignoring the lessons of yesterday. Floating along life like aimless dirt particles, till I meet my end, but as the end is not here yet, why don’t I take a pause or even stop. Stop, just to understand what is happening, who am I? what do I need? And who are all these characters fighting in my mind. Can I be fully awake for a few minutes? They say we are our real selves only in our dreams, ok, I dream a lot, I love my dreams, but it is time to wake up now and face the real situation, face the reality for change. Let me start by my reality before blaming the others and whining about their actions and reactions. Who am I?

The beginning is blurry, just as beginnings are usually are. However, there was always that sense of fear, something bad will happen, a catastrophe will occur, and I would be responsible in a way or another. Silence and obedience seemed safe ways of dealing with each and every situation. Time passed, fortunately or unfortunately time passes, but there was also a sense of loss, a sense of loneliness and again that unjustified sense of guilt. The pace of life was boring, all what I can remember was waiting, waiting for everything, waiting for the end of school day, waiting for the end of school year, and waiting for something to happen, anything that can change the dead rhythm of my days. Everyone these days is bragging about the comfort zone, but they never mention the dead zone that I was living in. I had my dreams that were piled on top of each other, to be fulfilled later, but believe me old dreams worn out, and they leave you with a bitter taste and annoying feeling of despair. Since when did I put on masks? I can’t remember at all, but they worked, I was too young to remember, but may be this was a divine gift. A divine gift to every human being, I am not gifted by any chance, I am just an ordinary man trying to understand.

All my relationships were and are still strange, they lack something, maybe they lack honesty, or transparency or something I don’t even know. Are they superficial? I swear I have always tried not to surrender to superficiality, but as they say it takes two to tango, and I know that I am not a good dancer. For a big portion of my life I was known as “an easy-going person”, really? Was that really me? “Easy going” did I really want to go easily? What am I trying to do now, I am sure that I had phases of tranquility, serenity and happiness. Of course, my life has not always been that chaotic or pathetic. May be even during these phases I put on masks of contentment. 

It is very difficult to face my true self, especially if I don’t confront, but here I am, trying and eager to meet me. It is not a confession that I am writing, but a kind of attempt to understand what is wrong. One of my several therapists believed that I allowed the inner child, my mischievous inner child to control me, my reactions and my whole life. As if I was compensating him for the years of boredom. Anyway, although this hypothesis makes a lot of sense, but may be there are other factors. Maybe I chose selfishness over selflessness, but for god’s sake, who would choose selflessness, Gandhi or Mother Teressa? 

These days I am sleeping a lot, not sleeping but rather collapsing, losing myself to dreams, some are vivid and cheerful others are vague, but still, dreams come to an end. I wake up, think of all the things that I have to do, but I do nothing. I Try most of the day not to lose my temper, not to say what I really want to say, and when I stutter and finally say a few words of what I feel should be said, I regret this and keep being apologetic, I mean I quickly put another mask.

See! I am trying to distract myself again. Avoiding asking the crucial questions, and resorting to nonsense rambling. May be this was a start, a genuine attempt to reduce my anger, to train myself to speak up, and most importantly to forgive others. Others! Isn’t it too early to include others now? I should focus on myself, clear the rubble, silence the scary screams and then see what is wrong with others. “You should love yourself more” I heard this phrase from several therapists along three decades at least, I should follow this advice, and I should be wise enough to understand that “Self-love” is different than “selfishness”. May be all what I needed was a bit of genuine love, love that balances one’s personality and puts everything in its right scale and context. It seems that I will not reach the faraway shores of peace until I love myself unconditionally before loving others. I don’t know how may masks did I scratch today, and I am not sure which mask I will put on tomorrow, but I will keep trying to remove them all.