The "here" and "now"

 

Isn’t it strange that I loved everything about you? Even the things that I would consider an OCD seemed charming when you did or said them. Remember once I asked you about your dark side, you sighed and said that you don’t know. Was the question cheesy? I kept thinking about your dark side, your defects, the things that I will find irritating, frustrating, the habits that will drive me crazy and push me to the shores of boredom, silence and regret. I could not find anything of these, or I loved you with all your idiosyncrasies.

Love is strange, isn’t it? I feel betrayed, why am I surrendering to such feelings. I have always cherished my loneliness, I used to say that I enjoy my own company. Never waited for anyone to do anything, a trip, a movie, anything…but now, why am I waiting for a moment that may never come. Waiting for a cinematic finale of these popular romantic movies. The scenario that I create and recreate on daily basis, that one day both of us will realize that life doesn’t make any sense without being together, we will confess that we can’t waste more time and that the rest will never be enough to talk, sing and kiss. Then I wont need to dream or day dream about you and your smiles, I wont need to visualize you wherever I am, and I will stop imagining dialogues that could have happened. But I was never like this, irrational? Yes. A day dreamer? Yes. Emotional? Yes. But I was never that lost.

(You have to always be in the “here” and “now”) one of the shrinks’ many clichés, I want to scream saying its easier said than done. What is my “here” and “now” if you are not with me? I’m ignoring my “here” and thinking of yours, and cant stand my “now”, hoping to meet you soon. Sometimes I feel that all this love will kill me, may be it is starting to kill me, gradually. Or one day I will turn numb, I will lose the blessing of love, the ability to feel that pain or to remember the happiness we shared months ago. What does “here” mean? I am there, wherever you are, with my thoughts, shifting my attention from my surroundings, for a few seconds or for some minutes, I am with you, in your “here”. Now! ha, now only means the unbearable period that I have to waste till we meet, or simply the time where I can think of our memories. Before being totally consumed by your love, or rather by my love, I hope that I would be able to meet you and be courageous enough to tell you all what I want. Hopefully I wont scream or stutter, when I tell you that I loved you from the very beginning, at first I denied this love, then after our few first meetings I denied that I love you, I thought that we were just two nice decent funny people who enjoyed each other’s company, but later I realized that I loved you. It was too late for me to run away, although I am a world class quitter, but apparently, I have been living all my life, facing all these disappointments, postponing such intimate connection just to lose myself in loving you. I won’t allow you to interrupt, or to say anything that may stop me, or make me feel like a loser, or tempt me to apologize for what I feel and say. I will continue telling you, that my feelings are too precious to be aborted, and that when I told you that this was not the end of the story, I was not murmuring a cheap cliché, but I was stating a fact. Such precious feelings must live and thrive till our last breaths. I will tell you that I hate your approach, such self-restraint, disciplined, wise character, all this talking about the responsibilities of loving someone, all these equations that you had in your head, the calculations of when, how much and who. I never understood your point of view, why did you surrender that easy to not loving me while I easily surrendered to loving you?

When I restore my life back, rebuild my days and burry your memories for a while, when all of this happens, I will befriend myself again, I will forgive me for such sin, I will be kinder and more understanding. May be the only way to reach such calm state is to deny love, its existence, its relevance or importance. Then I will return back to my comfort zone, my mundane life where all my emotions are controlled, and my feelings are tamed. I will live as most of us, or almost all of us, living to pay bills, watch news and waste time. Years later I realize that I did not fight for the only thing worth fighting for or even living for.

May be if I heard your version of the story, I will feel better, I will be able to stop lingering about why? How come? And all these redundant questions. But please don’t use logic, rationality and all your scientific terms, it is not a legal dispute, it’s a love story. Try to be more emotional, or at least try to explain your ideas using my language. Anyway, I am not sure that this will make any difference, listening to your story or repeating my version of the story for the millionth time, I need a miracle. I can’t even admit that it is a hopeless case, I still need a divine intervention. Is this how heart-broken people think or speak?