Unconditional love

 

They lied about “unconstitutional love”. They told us it’s how parents, or at least some parents love their children. So unconditional love seemed like a biblical miracle, a Greek mythology or the testimony of real parenthood. But no, I discovered “unconditional love” through my love to you, it’s simpler than what they described, and unfortunately it’s less glamorous too. May be I don’t know how to describe it, or it’s one of those feelings which are ruined once you define them. What I am certain about is that I love you no matter what, I love you while I’m sure that we will never be together, and I m surrendering to this love more and more everyday.  Who would expect the sea to love him back, or the music to be his or the arts, the colors, the beauty. You are all these to me and more, you are happiness in its purest and most beautiful forms, and our paths crossed, shortly, but since then, I gave you all of my heart. You became the reason I keep going, struggle during the day because at the very end, at night before I sleep, I’ll close my eyes and tell you all what happened then whisper “I love you” before losing myself in the world of the “minor death”.  

You will neither believe nor understand me, but this is not our problem. Ironically you can’t do anything about the whole situation anymore, we met, we loved each other, in our own peculiar ways and then we left. That’s what you think, but no, the story didn’t end there, don’t worry, I won’t try to convince you of one of my metaphysical theories, but really, I did not leave. We are not together as far as people are concerned, but you are always with me, and I visit your thoughts every now and then, I am sure. May be you are too proud to admit that you miss me, may be you wanted more subtle feelings and simpler circumstances, I have to stop questioning and accept the whole thing. We met for a reason, and day after day I’m struggling to understand why, but your love is taming me, teaching me empathy and many other values, your love is creating a new version of me! May be I got some of your wisdom, or I just totally lost it, like those whirling dervishes who  knew that love is the only path, the only prayer and the only answer, as long as it is unconditional love. 

Ana bahebek awi

“ Ana bahebek awi “

how many times did I write this phrase and delete it before sending. I need to tell you this, hundreds of times every day, I don’t even know why do I have such an urge. I’m grateful that I stop myself from sending these messages, there no need for more humiliation, wise advices or rude replies.  I love you and apparently it is starting to be a problem, a problem for me of course, as I don’t know how do you feel about the whole thing. 

Sometimes I say that all what I want is not to be forgotten, at least remember me as someone who loved you genuinely, remember me for all the good moments, they were few but genuine, remember me for the laughs, chats and most importantly remember me for how I explored love because of you. I should be grateful, I really experienced the most precious feelings with you, and I’m still in such a beautiful state, alone but there. Feeling a sheer sensation of love, something that pushes me to call you or at least send you a WhatsApp message confessing in our eloquent Egyptian dialect. Yes, sometimes “ I love you “ in English sounds like a commercial cliche, but in our Egyptian dialect, the “awi” sounds more genuine, without any exaggeration. You have always accused me of exaggerating and I used to smile and reply, “ I love exaggerations”. I do, but your love exceeded any exaggeration, it is becoming me, my whole being, my existence. Thus, sending a message or calling you won’t add anything to my current situation, it’s not a matter of confession as I have declared this a million times, may be it’s a kind of being or existing or just a reminder to self that I’m still alive. 

My love reaches you, I never doubted this. It’s a must, whether from a metaphysical point of you or a romantic one, but it must reach you. I’m sure that sometimes I come across your mind, may be you push these thoughts away, may be you analyze our short-lived love story and convince yourself that you took the right decision and May be sometimes you sigh, smile and relive one of our memories. 

Everything happens for a reason, as they say, and I’m starting to believe that the great love that I’m living is recreating me, and the process is painful, slow and scary. My priorities are being shuffled, my perceptions are changing and I’m becoming more empathetic, may be too empathetic. It’s a journey that I’m destined to take alone, accompanied by your love and a bunch of memories. 

A proper goodbye

 It’s a pity that my love wasn’t accepted. Not a pity but rather a catastrophe. I think of you day and night, wondering how can my love make you happy, or happier. But, you made it clear that my love is my own business, something that does not concern you. 

I’m sure that you feel my love, at least sometimes. It’s impossible that all of this tremendous love is unfelt, it can’t be. You feel it, but simply you don’t care, you said it before, “ it’s my problem”. I can’t sleep, thinking of what could have happened and what would happen, thinking of my love and your attitude. Thinking of love, that vague feeling, what does it really mean, to love someone? Sometimes, I feel that it’s enough to know that my lover is happy, ha! I’m not an angel. So what is it? If I want to ask you one question, only one question, I would love to know how do you feel knowing that I love you in such a profound way? How does it feel? Please tell me. May be I’ll be relieved to know that at least you enjoy a few egoistic moments, may be you think about me every now and then just to make sure that I’m still pouring my years into the river of your love. I bored you, haven’t I? “ I love you… I love you… I love you”… So? I wish I can gather all this love, knock on your door, drop it and run away. I need to give it back to you, whether you wanted it, liked it or hated it, I can’t keep it in my heart anymore. Will I be the first lunatic seeking help? Or am I too weak to face this battle alone? Can’t you see that I need you even when I’m surrendering, I need you to escape. What’s the point of being loved by such a vulnerable man, may be you are right, this love would have been threatened by everything, every fight, every thought and every gesture. 

I need a proper farewell, we both deserve a decent moment, may be then I can leave my love and go, and may be then I can see you clearly with all your cruelty, indifference and logical thinking. I need to say goodbye, shake your hands and look at your eyes. I’ll have to wait till I see you as a stranger, a lovely elegant charming stranger, may be then, I’ll be able to return back to my old life. 

Fear

 

Did you feel my fear? That enormous dark ocean that engulfs me, even if I trey to deny, ignore and fake that everything is okay. When did you notice it? Right from the start, or when I began repeating that “I’m happy” did I sound childish? Hysterical? Or pathetic? May be you sensed it in everything I said and did, may be you were smarter than I thought or you are simply a pure soul, someone who would never be deceived by fake smiles, silly jokes and lovely stories. 

Here I am , alone with my fear, sharing every single detail of life with that sadistic fear. It wakes up with me, ready to remind me of all what could go wrong, stares with me at my reflection in the mirror, checking my wrinkles, the gapes that are widening between my teeth and all the whitening hairs in my beard. It reminds me of the handful of pills I have to gulp every morning, and runs quickly towards my car, where I will have plenty of time to weave all my old and new fears in a thick strong bundle till I reach work. Ah, work, the fear of losing my work, the fear of staying at my work, the fear of not being enough, the fear of competition, the fear of lack of competition, the fear of lacking ambition, money, social skills and opportunities. 

My fear is creative and resourceful, it jumps effortlessly from one issue to the other, and it works without any breaks, my god, it gets more energetic during breaks. Did I mention any of my fears to you? The fear of death, the fear of being no-one, the fear of achieving nothing, the fear of hell, the fear of losing whom I love? Or the fear of being forgotten? Or simply the fear of “ losing my appetite to life”, ha, remember? This is how I described my rapacity! May be you realized that our love will never survive while fear is in the air. Fear tarnishes everything with a depressing ugly tone, paralysis us, brings the worst traits and make them our new comfortable habits. Fear owned me and slaves can’t really love. You knew this and wisely ran away. 

May be....

 

“I love you” how does it sound? How did you feel when I said it, when I used to say it and repeat it joyfully? I am sorry for such silly questions, but all what I want now is to call you and say, “I love you”. I don’t want another cold whatsapp message, I would rather to knock on your door, hug you as soon as you open and whisper, “I love you”. May be this could be the real solution, a long hug, soft murmurs and tears, may be then you will realize that nothing worths our cruel separation. Am I really allowed to wade into such a glamorous dream? Can I continue our abruptly aborted love story,…shsh,…. Don’t answer please, just listen.

How was your day? I missed you, I missed you so much today, I wanted to call you many times, no, no, it wasn’t a hectic day at work, but I really missed you today. I don’t know why did I think that we have to spend more time together, don’t they say that life is too short, and we have already wasted too many years with the wrong people in the wrong places. Today, I thought that music was created only for lovers, we are the ones who understand what music makes in our souls, I told you before that whenever I remember you, I hear a sweet melody, imagine how lucky I am to have a continuous sound track. Sorry, I am very talkative, whenever I start, I can’t stop, but you are talkative too. How many times did we sit and talked, talked and talked till one of us had to leave.

How I wish dreams last longer. How I wish it wasn’t a dream. So many wishes and the pain feels fresh and strong. Remember when I once asked you, “What did you do when you can’t bear the longing of someone?” you said many things, they all seemed inapplicable, they did not make any sense to me, you mentioned time, distraction by other things or even other people, patience. We both laughed, we used to laugh a lot, remember? At that time, it was one of these questions of “What did you do in..” so and so, we were exploring each others lives, personalities and habits. But that became history. Now, I need to ask you the same question, as I cant bear my longing to you, I tried, I swear I tried, but nothing worked. Pathetic, needy, obsessed, vulnerable, call me whatever you like, but I can’t live without you. It has been so long since our last hug, and I’m fading gradually everyday, I need you just to be myself again, may be you are my cure, may be you are the answer to all my fears, may be we are simply destined to eachother, and there is no need to resist our fate.

You will meet other people

 

You will meet other people, you will enjoy your life, laugh, sing and dream. I’m happy for you, yes, honestly I’m happy that you are not tortured like me. These are facts and I have to accept them. We were united for a short time, a very short time, it seemed eternity and it seemed mere seconds too. While being together something in me changed for ever. I lost parts of my being, or May be I intentionally left them, and clung to you. The whole experience was surreal, nothing physical, nothing tangible, yet a strange strong unity, that made me realize how incomplete am I. 

I still smile whenever I think of you, I swear I still hear music when you come across my mind, and I pray that I keep enjoying these magical moments till my last breath. Is your love taming me? Teaching me the basics of life, acceptance and surrender? I love you, and nothing more can be said or done. I love you, and that’s the whole story, nothing Ned’s to be added. It seems that we are both lingering in our spheres in two parallel directions, seems that there will never be such transcending encounters again, but they took place, and the change happened. My love is growing and getting mature, I am dropping my human lustful baggage, I am surrendering to pure love, a kind of love that survives only by giving, without any intention of receiving anything in return. I know that you are meeting other people, and may be you remember me while sitting with one of them, may be you consider him funny, funnier than me, may be you will feel attracted to him, may be things develop quickly and smoothly. May be one day you will inform me that you are together, and you did not know how to tell me earlier, May be you will stutter, for the first time. May be! I won’t blame you, I will be happy for you, I will never ask about anything, I will never leave, I will be there as much as you allow me. I will never compare, never judge and never be envious. I may even claim that I will wish you enjoy what I experienced with him. I’m not faking an angelic attitude, no,no, I am just starting to understand what happened, although it is difficult to explain or even to understand. Your love ate me alive, and what remained of me can’t dream, can’t fight and can’t even ask or blame. I am not the lover whom you once united with, I’m just a defeated ghost of what remained of him, and all what I want is to keep being around you. 

The "Stolen moments"

 

Yes they were “stolen moments”, although this sounds like a cheesy cliche, but it is the truth. They were not stolen from the “others” as you repeated more than once, “your others” and “ my others”. No, this is not what I meant, we stole these moments from us, from our fake personalities, the ones that controlled our souls and tarnished them. Can’t you remember how spontaneous, innocent and cheerful we were? During these precious moments our pure souls were whirling together in way we have never experienced before. I can imagine you laughing sarcastically at my hocus-pocus, but if you really disagree please give me an explanation for such blissful times that we shared.

These “stolen moments” are all what I have now, they are my memories, my homeland and the place I escape to. I don’t know your feelings about them, may be you remember some of them and smile, or may be, out of being a logical person you packed them properly and stalked them in the past, the past with all its randomness, vagueness and unfinished stories. I fear the day we will sit and talk about our love story as a topic, or an issue, or even as one unfinished story of the past. Anyway, whenever we meet now, these moments are not “stolen” anymore, they are planned, controlled and even seem sterilized. We sit away from each other at an exaggerated distance, we don’t shake hands and in the rare cases that we do, your hand shake is faint and hesitant. We speak in a conservative manner, to make sure that not a single metaphor leaps to our sentences, even our smiles are controlled so that no smile is longer or more cheerful than it should. Oh, my god, our conversations now seem edited, revised and approved. Apparently the difference between the “stolen” and the “approved” moments is similar to my true soul and my fake persona that has been leading for several decades now. One is cheerful, honest and spontaneous and the other is hesitant, gloomy and frightened. These aspects kept lowering my expectations on so many levels, and for so long I have been accepting what should have never been accepted. This miserable persona forced me to doubt my dreams, to mock them and deny them, just to be in the safe side. After all these realizations, you don’t want me to stick to those “stolen moments”? If it were not to meet you there, at least I will meet myself, without compromises, without limitations and without that ambiguous sheer fear that has been controlling my life for ages. I love you.