Fear

 

Did you feel my fear? That enormous dark ocean that engulfs me, even if I trey to deny, ignore and fake that everything is okay. When did you notice it? Right from the start, or when I began repeating that “I’m happy” did I sound childish? Hysterical? Or pathetic? May be you sensed it in everything I said and did, may be you were smarter than I thought or you are simply a pure soul, someone who would never be deceived by fake smiles, silly jokes and lovely stories. 

Here I am , alone with my fear, sharing every single detail of life with that sadistic fear. It wakes up with me, ready to remind me of all what could go wrong, stares with me at my reflection in the mirror, checking my wrinkles, the gapes that are widening between my teeth and all the whitening hairs in my beard. It reminds me of the handful of pills I have to gulp every morning, and runs quickly towards my car, where I will have plenty of time to weave all my old and new fears in a thick strong bundle till I reach work. Ah, work, the fear of losing my work, the fear of staying at my work, the fear of not being enough, the fear of competition, the fear of lack of competition, the fear of lacking ambition, money, social skills and opportunities. 

My fear is creative and resourceful, it jumps effortlessly from one issue to the other, and it works without any breaks, my god, it gets more energetic during breaks. Did I mention any of my fears to you? The fear of death, the fear of being no-one, the fear of achieving nothing, the fear of hell, the fear of losing whom I love? Or the fear of being forgotten? Or simply the fear of “ losing my appetite to life”, ha, remember? This is how I described my rapacity! May be you realized that our love will never survive while fear is in the air. Fear tarnishes everything with a depressing ugly tone, paralysis us, brings the worst traits and make them our new comfortable habits. Fear owned me and slaves can’t really love. You knew this and wisely ran away.