You were not here

 

I had an event tonight, one of these presentations that I usually give but the auditorium was enormous. I was looking for you among the audience, just one of my games to pacify myself or to live in my “what if “ world. I sent you a message a couple of days ago about the event. You did not answer for ages, then you sent me “ Good Luck”, just these 8 letters. Sometimes I hate English, I see it as a cold language, incapable of conveying emotions or even indifferent to do so. Did you think a lot before sending your eloquent message? Did it need a lot of energy? Would adding a smiley face or any other emoji drain you? A few months ago I would have sent you endless selfies, I would have complained about the suit, and repeated that the presentation would have been more genuine if I was allowed to be in my boxers, T shirt and bare footed. I would have made sure that you are attending online, and as soon as I finish I would call you to get your feedback. After the event we would meet, eat gateaux while you analyze each and every sentence that I said, agree with some and disagree with more. Ah, I forgot, before the event you would have sent me several messages reminding me to speak slowly and not to rush. I’m gazing at the audience, imagining you sitting in the middle, smiling. Remember when I told you how your beautiful eyes sparkle when you smile. Remember how many times I told you that I love your smile. I keep going, I say what I have to say, I pause every now and then remembering your advices, I look at the same spot, where you would have been sitting, not in the very first rows and not in the very last ones, and not in the sides, you won’t leave until I’m done so you don’t need to sit by the aisles. The slides are flipping quickly, maybe I talked quickly, maybe I should slower down a bit. Unfortunately you won’t tell me your thoughts after the event. You are not here, I don’t know where are you now and it won’t be appropriate to ask. I’m done, maybe there will be a question or two, I wish you were here, I wish I was allowed to ask one question, just one question, I would have asked you, “what happened to our love”.