Will we meet in heaven?

 

Will we meet in heaven? Or was our love a dreadful sin? A war that devastated both of us. Yes, my love you lost too; I am sure that what remained of me will haunt you forever. These are not the words of a mad man, but what happened was way beyond my imagination. I lost myself in you, a total defeat, that I am only starting to realize these days. How can love be that cruel? I don’t know. I don’t know what happened, what is happening and what will happen. Maybe I became a masochist, why did I surrender willingly to someone else? I have never thought of myself as such a needy, dependent and weak person, at least not to that extent. Is this love or a sick obsession? am I really questioning my feelings to you?

The words are starting to lose all their meanings, I call you and I tell you that I miss you so much, your arrogant silence is always there, I stutter, I try to change the subject, and I even say something silly. “I miss you” what is so difficult to understand in what I said, do you enjoy my torturing, watching me fading without showing any empathy, maybe you fear that anything said or done will be mistakenly considered an act of love? I miss your smile; you look so innocent for a second and so before retaining your graceful serious features. I remember how we used to enjoy ourselves, laughing about every silly joke. Back then we were united in a world of joy. Remember how I used to repeat, “I am so happy”? Now I am sad, oh, my love, I don’t even have the energy to be sad. I need a different ending, I insist on having a gentler scenario, boredom! Why not, why did not we both got bored, or why did not I lose interest, or as you said, “I wasn’t at the same level….” You said something that felt really humiliating, maybe I nodded then, I could not even answer you. Why did I love you in the first place? I was content with my life, wasn’t happy, but also, I wasn’t aware of such grave unhappiness that I was living in. But now, after meeting you, I realized that there was more in life than my poor bland share, and all what I did, may be my real sin was that I dared to ask for more, not only to ask but to believe that I am allowed to have more, I believed that I am entitled to have more of this happiness. Apparently, all the gods were raged, and their punishment was immediate and harsh.

“All what I want is you”. Didn’t I tell you that the words lost all their meaning? What does this mean? I want you, your presence, your love, your care…I want what was lost of me in your love. I thought that I could handle the situation, I could live with my memories in a surreal romantic realm till time cures me, but it is obvious that I cannot. Ok, I was defeated, no, I was devastated, now it is time to retreat, return back to what remained of my life. What have I done in my past lives to receive such a punishment? Maybe you and I are happily living together in another life a parallel one, haven’t we tasted the bliss of love even for a short time. All believers wait for the justice of the afterlife, and I love to join them, I will wait for another story between us.