I blame you.

You are afraid to accept that you love me. Sometimes I think that this is the truth, what a bittersweet feeling! You love me, loved me but… and there is always but, but you did not want this love, you refused it and convinced yourself that it wasn’t love, may be “feelings”, but not love. Will these thoughts help? Never. I know that it became a hopeless case. I ignore our love, resist think of you, count the hours and as I start celebrating passing half a day without thinking of you, I realize that you have been with me on each and every step. I tried all the mental tricks, doubting my feelings, labeling them as anything except love and even mocking love and lovers, but nothing succeeded in distracting me for more than a couple of hours. 

A few days ago I had a very strange conversation with a total stranger, we discussed life, dreams, career, finances and every important aspect of one’s life except love. Throughout our conversation I was thinking of you, and fitting you within that topic, as if we were together. I realized that I need you more than ever, everything without you seem incomplete or at least seems unsuitable for me, in other words, not my dreams and not my plans. So, am I supposed to carry on without a clue of what I want to do. It seemed that without you everything will be equally tasteless. For that stranger, I sounded sensible, simply because I faked most of my opinions and gave him the perfect answers, I wasn’t myself, but what about when we were together? I was being myself, totally, specially at the beginning, May be only at the very end, when we had our cruel one-sided ending, only then I wasn’t being myself. I was afraid to lose you, afraid to the extent that I was sure that being together was more important than being myself. I listened to your heartless analysis while murmuring “I love you” as a loser, anyway I am a real loser. 

Is this how lovers feel? The loss, the defeat and the longing of their previous lives, or am I just a vulnerable man? Isn’t it strange that nothing of this would have happened if you haven’t shown all this interest, if you haven’t been that charming while telling me one story after the other, if you haven’t been laughing in such a magical way on my simple jokes. Am I blaming you now? Yes, I blame you a lot, day and night, and not only for welcoming me to the heaven of impossible love but for kicking me out too soon. A loser as I said, if only I can return back to my life, with its simple dreams and simple plans, everything then made sense, and felt complete. 

It has been 23 days since we last met, I didn’t say a proper good bye, I didn’t beg for a hug, I was not expecting to leave, at least wasn’t expecting to leave without a proper farewell. But before our last meeting we had one of these confessions, every feeling and emotion I had burst unexpectedly and I let go, I was talking and talking while gazing at your beautiful face, you were listening with a poker face, this didn’t stop me from finishing what was unintentionally started, I felt the need to tell you the whole story one more time. I wasn’t pathetic, I was stating facts and recalling events, some of them were ours and most of them were mine, but I felt that you have to hear them. Would having a proper farewell help? May be we will meet after several weeks, if and only if your time allows, you have a busy life, where you can spare a few minutes every couple of days for WhatsApp messages. Are you enjoying the role of a “lover-turned-friend”? There is no need to think about this question as I honestly can’t bear not being in your life even as one of your “friends”. Only god knows your real feelings, and if you really oppressed your love after a thorough evaluation, I am not trying to be sarcastic at all, but I can’t imagine the sudden shift. Once I told you that I am new to this world, and I’m enjoying wandering there spontaneously and without any precautions, but May be this was too much for you, too naive or too bland. I don’t know and will never know.