Insomnia

I am lost in this eternal void. I have been pretending that everything is fine, everything is normal, the usual stress, migraine,… terrible traffic, tight deadlines, the recurring devaluations, the war next door, no, no, no, I have been lying, and although I am an excellent liar, but, that is enough, I am drained and I cant lie anymore. I love you, and this love is killing me, a ridiculously slow death. Somedays I want to scream, and on a few days, I do scream, screaming turned to be easy, but crying is not. I wish I can cry, drown that love story in my tears, baptize myself and start a new life. A life devoid of love, I can bear empathy, compassion, kindness, but really, I cant bear love.

I am not even living in a void, a void can sometimes be serene, I am living a nightmare, and it doesn’t end. What if….what if….millions of “what if” haunt me and for seconds I stop breezing, I freeze, and return back to our few lovely memories. “What if” we did not meet? “What if” you were not that nice? “what if” I did not set fire in my whole life? “what if” you forget me? I can not even think of all these “What if”.

The pain is all what is left. It is felt on each and every moment, “what if” we are still together, “what if” I bury this pain in your hug, gaze at your eyes, while murmuring some silly comments. Haven’t we laughed a lot? They say that there are numerous stages of love, the highest stage is total madness, and I believe I am almost there. Ironically three days ago, I thought that the story came to an end, but I was lying, haven’t I confessed that I am a big liar. My world is gradually collapsing and all what I can think of is watching a movie together, I love your comments about direction, soundtracks and how you compare movies, and this is really painful. I told you that this is painful, I told all my friends that this is painful and I wrote this again and again, but the pain doesn’t go away, doesn’t get weaker and it doesn’t even get familiar.

I miss you; I miss being with you, I miss the version of me that shines when we were together. No one believes me, but I witnessed that phenomena, I was someone else, may be the real me, the joyful, the confident and the loved me. How cruel? Why did you show me such happiness and leave? Why were you that nice….then…. and why did you take everything with you, except the pain. May be I have to tame this pain, befriend it or love it. May be this is the lesson I needed to learn…. But why? I love you, and I cant stop loving you. I love you and I cant stop writing about you. I love you and I wish I could tell everyone about you.