What is happening?

 I don’t understand what’s happening. This is not new, but for the last couple of days I feel dead, not numb, not indifferent but dead. Also, it is not that feeling when you step back and let the autopilot take the lead, not as if you are monitoring life floating around you, no, I feel dead. It is neither a bad nor a good feeling, but honestly it is strange. You think of all the consequences and at the same time you think of nothing at all. What if(s) seem silly, although they used to be the pillars of my sanity, now, I don’t understand how I feel separated from everything and everyone. I should claim my Oscar, I am amazed by my ability to act as if everything is ok, as if I’m still here, still engaging in the boredom of life, the mediocrity of work, finances, social media and the deterioration of our world. 

I didn’t surrender, I was persistent till the last breath, but I don’t know what happened, maybe I am just betraying myself? A new punishment, or another loss. Did the lover die? Am I to be left with all the other human lumps…. What a nightmare! May be he didn’t die, maybe he is dying, he consumed all his strength, hope and positivity, he wasted himself in love, or in his heroic attempts to understand the essence of it, and its secrets. Did he take all the memories with him? Am I left alone, totally alone? Will he visit me again! 

What is happening? Nobody went there, to the other bank of life, the other edge, the other shore, the other side, the other life, no body told us what’s there, what is waiting for us. Is it like this, is this death? Is it the state where the best in you and the best of you leave? So what remains of you is almost nothing, a soulless body, without the sufficient amount of memories and emotions to keep you going. Is that it? Am I supposed to keep going in this state? How and why? How can he leave, like this, without a proper goodbye? Again, without a proper goodbye. If these are my first official steps towards total madness, then I will not panic, I will be patient, and keep acting that everything is alright. I will finish sending these emails and then I will eat something.