I am sorry

 I am sorry 

I have to admit that I ruined everything, the whole thing, I ruined what I considered the most beautiful love story ever and what you considered budding feelings. I scared you with my insecurities, my thirst for love and my irrational answers to all your questions. I was escaping the whole world in your presence, and I kept exaggerating our love story so that it can conceal all the ugliness and sadness of the world that haunt me. All what I need is you, I told you this till you got bored or at least till the words lost their meaning, am I blaming the words again? Whatever I told you was only a small part of what I felt, I repeated my love phrases over and over, maybe to ensure that everything will be ok, or to get a reply from you. Your silence was cruel and your wisdom was frustrating. Maybe you were able to understand my panic, how your love was my lifesaver, and how it was obvious that it was my last battle. Did you really see how weak I was? Clinging to you stubbornly as my last and only hope. I am sorry for exposing you to such a traumatic situation, you met the ultimate pain, the ultimate grief and the ultimate despair all cast in one person who is happily asking you to enjoy love. I have always accused you of being super rational and too pragmatic, I am sorry, I was hiding the truth as usual, you got intimidated by a lunatic and you had to. I don’t even understand how did I expose all my vulnerabilities that early and that easy? As if I was trying to ruin everything, or simply because deep down I did not believe that I deserve such love and such happiness, so I put an end to a story that was just starting. Before blaming you I should keep silent for a while, maybe silence clarifies the truth and shows me my reality. I am sorry.