A season

“Everyone comes into your life for a reason, season or a lifetime.” I remembered this quote today. You mentioned it once, I smiled foolishly then and told you that it is so deep and we have to discuss it, but apparently the conversation shifted to much lighter topics. Today, I realized that we did not get the chance to talk about this heartbreaking quote. I also realized that you came to my life for a reason, you can’t to my life for a season and you came to my life for a lifetime. Will I ever understand the reason, or accept my fate after understanding that I had to be immersed in real life, real love and real pain. I had to leave the seats of the audience and run towards the tornado, and that was what I did. That what I naively did. A season, what a season! Although it would be unfair to count our days and fit them within a season or a period, but these days, these precious days are all what I lived and are all what I have now. I’m not sure if I can speak on your behalf but I think that you should call that period, the season of tenderness, you were so tender, caring and kind. There were faint traces of resistance in you, as if you did not want to surrender to love or you were not ready yet or simply you were more comfortable behind your masks of seriousness and decisiveness. May be I came to your life for a season, but you came to mine for a lifetime, yes you will always be with me till my last breath. 

I tried silence, but it didn’t help, it felt like treason. How can I stop talking about us or about you, how? If we are not together in the conventional sense, I should keep the love story alive, I should awake every memory and revive every word, laugh and song that we shared, even if briefly. I have to keep going, no matter how high the waves of sadness that hit me, no matter how lonely I feel and no matter how days are pulling me away from our “season”. Ah, by the way, I really wished that our season was longer, even if slightly longer. The story seems abrupt, and sometimes this hurts me but most of the time it annoys me. Yes I pass by short phases of frustration, where I want to scream, I feel betrayed by everyone and everything and specially betrayed by myself, my sense and my own words. How didn’t I convince you? How didn’t I …. What? What could I have done more? Apparently my subconscious is refusing to remember what happened and what did you say. It seems that my subconscious is burying this memory deeper and deeper every day. 

I wonder if you ever remember this quote, do you smile when you think of me, or am I already tightly packed in the maze of your past. Do you remember me as someone who came to your life even if for just a “season”, or did I come to your life for a “reason”? Do you ever think of me or our story? Do you ever feel the pain? Do you regret being that wise and pragmatic while burying our budding love beneath solid layers of your logic. All these question haunt me and will keep accompanying me till the very end.  You are excellent at playing the role of a friend, you send friendly messages and make friendly calls and send me friendly wishes. I am forced to be kept dragged in this vicious cycle, as a friend should not ignore his friend, right? Isn’t this our unwritten law or rather your merciful compromise.