Help

 

Today I will change the whole scenario. Why not? Can’t I hallucinate for a day or a few hours? Can’t I play “let’s pretend”, an innocent game for someone my age. I need this breath of fresh air, this gentle tap just to keep going. The day will start by a phone call, “ I love you” this will be the first thing that you will say, even before the typical alo. I will smile and tell you that I love you more. ….. it is not working, daydreaming stopped working, maybe I have already abused it over the past few months. Our memories are so vivid, and I can still hear the echoes of your voice, “ I managed to overcome the feelings I had towards you”. O god, I really hate these words. It’s not about rejection, it is something else that I am trying to discover or understand. I must admit that I blame you, yes I blame you, at the beginning you dragged me to your love, I was not even thinking or daring to love you. Your attitude was encouraging, inviting and even seductive, so it felt like the normal and only logical thing to happen. I fell in love, I literally fell, and it’s an abyss. 

I don’t know from where am I getting such stubbornness, I have never been like this before. I have been known as a master of quitting, so why can’t I quit the whole story? Why am I still lingering lonely in that paradise that you left a long time ago. Am I enjoying the pain, or is it getting too familiar to be left, maybe I forgot how my life was, before loving you. 

The surreal connection that we had, made my entire life bare, barren and boring. Unfortunately you simply walked away, simply walked away, you left me there alone, shocked and unable to comprehend, I clung to your love tightly as if it was the only reality I had ever known. Sometimes I want to knock on your door, hug you tightly, stay silent and let the rivers of my tears flood us both. When you push me away, I will ask for empathy, I already know that you are merciless, but I will ask for compassion, sympathy or even help.  You have to guide me to leave the ruins of what used to be our place. I don’t care about how you see me, weak, pathetic, whatever you say won’t make a difference. I simply admit that i need your help to move on, I can’t manage this step alone. Would you please help me, and maybe then I won’t disturb you again.