Falling in Love

“The Bridges of Madison County” I answered excitedly just after asking you about your favorite movie. “I prefer “Falling in Love”” you answered calmly in your wise tone.  At that time, we jumped into a totally different topic, several other topics. Remember, nothing could have stopped our conversations, hours used to disappear as we spoke. When I left you that night, it occurred to me that it might be a good omen, in “Falling in Love” they were united after one long painful year. At least your choice is better than mine, “The Bridges of Madison county” was about how Francesca lived the rest of her life on the sweet memories of the few days they spent together, 2 dinners, one night, a picnic or two……that was everything. Sounds familiar? Could it be like this, could this be the end? Could Francesca be my guiding angel, my saint, my love goddess?

Time, I have never understood the logic of time, I have always hated its vague rhythm. Were these moments all what we are allowed to have, that was it? It is unfair, no, it is cruel. I needed to know that our moments together were that limited, at least I would have told you everything I wanted to say, I would have hugged you tighter, I would have stayed longer. How can my most precious moments turn into memories, simply because you decided this.

Four days ago, we were together, lost in the blissful gardens of love, or at least I was the “lost” one in love, lost in its simplest, yet strongest forms. Love without plans, without calculations, without the eternal question of “and what is next?”. Since then I have been whirling in a terrestrial hell, whirling alone among the crowds. Time passed, I slept, I ate, and communicated with those surrounding me with a talent that impressed me. Maybe I was waiting for a miracle, waiting makes you numb, numbness takes you into a world of chaos and illusions, which leads you to stupid actions, and that what happened. A phone call, that shocked me by its formality, all what I had to say in response to the logical explanation that I head was a series of “yes… yes…I see… you are right….. I understand…. Yes…”.

Can love be justified or even explained? 

 

What is your dark side?

 

“what is your dark side?” I asked. In no time, without hesitation and without a single hmm, the answer was “nothing”. However, I should have known that it is “being logical” in and on every aspect of life. No place for feelings if they are not leading to a logical path. This is not love, this is mere shopping for a relationship. Love is inevitable, or at least this is what happened to me, what I learned.

How am I supposed to go on, to keep going? Was it a one-sided love? Did I exaggerate? Did I push? Did I make it up, created a saga from a faint mirage? A new long session of self-lashing….no, I am not mistaken, there was something special, precious and undeniable. I’m sure it is still there; I mean I hope it is still there. Ok, I have to keep going, I have no choice and I don’t have the luxury of explaining what is happening to anyone.

“I will act as if I left Egypt” these were my last words ever, maybe there wasn’t enough time even my famous bye bye. So, this was the plan that hit my mind at that cursed moment. Yes, this is the only way, I have been trying to find work abroad for more than a decade, so maybe I should act as if I got that long-awaited post in one of those exiles along the Persian Gulf. But even there, I would send endless messages, voice notes, video calls and there will be visits, short ones and long ones, planned one and postponed ones, there will be everything I want.

What am I writing here? Thoughts, love letters, may these will be useful to my therapists… it seems that sooner or later I will need help. Now neither career, family or finances seem important or of any value. I feel unrooted, I feel …. I have to feel numb. I have to act numb till time deals with the whole situation. I won’t be the first or the last one deformed by love. Time will shape me and I have to surrender. Wasn’t I always this obedient human being?

Now it’s time for my antidepressant pile, I will take a pill today not half a pill. A quick shower and I’ll run to a meeting, more nonsense, more driving, more thoughts and the music doesn’t help anymore. Fuck, now the romantic lyrics, which I considered kitschy make sense, make perfect sense.

Will you ever read these words? Will you stalk my account one day? Maybe you did earlier today or yesterday. You will say that I am crazy, totally crazy. But these are just words, my only way to keep our memories, my memories. You should not be intimidated by what I write, have mercy, I can’t call you, at least let me have these memories saved. Do you notice how do I jump from one topic to the other? Just like when we used to sit and talk for hours and hours. Migraine attacked me furiously this afternoon, I tried to take a nap, I tried to distract myself from the pain by a greater pain by you. Could not sleep, I left the sofa, picked my mobile and called you, no answer!

   

I will call

I will call

I have to call. It doesn’t make sense, all what happened does not make sense. I said that what we have is so precious, ok, let me fight for it. What will happen? What are my options? No answer at all, a super cold answer that will embarrass me for several lives to come, or a rational answer reminding me that the right decision was taken. I wasn’t involved in the process but the decision was taken.

I have been obedient throughout my life, obedient at work, obedient within the family rules, obedient within each and every system imposed on me and us. May I rebel now, even for one single time. Just to say that I can’t live like this. I don’t know how. Dignity and self-respect…. Shhhh, these concepts do not make sense, I was lost in love, at last I was lost in love. It is not a tango between two different personalities. What does self-respect mean now, in this specific moment? Ok, I woke up full of self-respect and devoid of any other feeling. Obedience, self-respect, or just quitting. I have an impressive reputation of being a BIG quitter, yes. Also known as someone who does not confront. What is right and what is wrong? How can a phone call be that crucial, no not crucial, may be its just revealing? They say love recreates you, forms you in different ways. I don’t know what to do.

Everything seemed perfect, the whole thing seemed beyond perfection. Last time we were sitting on the floor surrounded by old photos, laughing, recalling memories and making fun of other people littering the photos. I repeated many times, may be about every photo, “This is a very beautiful photo… you are very photogenic”. My compliments, which were not compliments at all, but spontaneous responses, just like breathing, blinking or even stuttering. A magical moment, sharing memories, laughing, gossiping, sitting next to each other on the floor, we knew that both of us were exerting a tremendous effort not to disappear in a mist of kisses.

Were these illusions? All these happy moments, that seemed logical, that seemed natural, that seemed to be our right. This is Day two, and I am drowning in this devastating whirlpool. Anything apart from writing about my feelings seems trivial, lame or unnecessary. Writing is all what I have now, as I can’t talk about what happened, what would I say? No one will understand. It is snot me, these agitating feelings were never expected from me, at least that was how I succeeded in portraying myself to other. So, you have been acting all your life, so what is new, keep acting, what is new? You will master the new character, you will be able to hide the new wound, it will swallow you, it will be your new cocoon, it will shape you, and reshape you and reshape you for 1001 times, till you forget who you are. I am in the middle of a burning metamorphosis, I am in the aching act of recreation, all what I think about, are these beautiful moments, the laughs, the bla bla bla, the singing with loud strange voices and a totally mixed-up lyrics, the WhatsApp messages, discussing the routine, the political topics that we agreed to postpone for a while not to add to our misery.

Will a phone call resurrect all these beautiful moments, and put all the postponed plans back in place, the movie nights, the trips abroad, and the museum visits? Now I have to go to work, because nothing happened, just another ordinary day in the ordinary life of an ordinary man. Because for everyone who knows me nothing has happened, the same dull feelings of fake gratitude and contentment. No, I have known better feelings, more genuine feelings, I have tasted the real bittersweet taste of life, and it was brief, so brief and I want more, I need more. 

 

Je pense a toi

 

“Je pense a toi”

Do you remember when I sent you this song, and told you “Je pense a toi 24/7”? The silence was longer than usual, the silence was unexpected, the silence was strange, the silence was rude, the silence worried me, but I had to come up with excuses as usual. The mobile wasn’t charged, you had a call, went to the toilet, you are typing, will type, looking for a witty answer. Then I realized that my comment was one of those silly comments that forces you to freeze, to return to your silent world. Instead of stopping there, I kept chattering, just to worsen the situation, just to push you away.

“I am sorry I am pushy…..although I hate to be pushy” how many times did I tell you this? My love…. No, I wont accuse my love of anything. You simply did not love me. “Je pense a toi” all the time, the fact that I don’t know if I cross your mind at all is killing me. Was it a mirage for you? I was a jester, who helped you to waste some time with my stutters and awes.

On my way back I decided that you can disappear as you like, you can stop me from seeing you, you can ignore my messages or coldly ask me not to send any, but you cant prevent me from loving you, you cant take the memories away. They will fade, I know! But here I am recalling every breath, every touch, every kiss, every smile, shy laugh, blush, misunderstanding, late WhatsApp message, silly emotion, every gaze. I will keep everything in my heart. I will relive our moments alone, and I will wait for your message. One day you will send me a message, a general bland message that means nothing for you, but may be you will be bored, may be you will remember me and say why not, I don’t know how will you feel then, but I know that it will happen. I will be checking my mobile, as I did a million times today, I will see your name and quickly I will read what you sent, maybe it will be a “HI” followed by your silence. Oh God, I miss you. I miss everything about you. “Je pense a toi”

Day ONE

 

Day One

I have survived day one, this not even day one. Our last kiss was less than 24 hours ago. Our last kiss, our last word and the last time to see you. How can you do this? I cant imagine the meaning of such a word, it does not make any sense to me. What did I answer you then? I swear I can not remember, it was a surreal moment, a sudden earthquake that shocked me, shattered me into thousands of dead souls. I left quickly refusing to believe that that was the last kiss, the last word and the last time to see you.

“I will assume that I left Egypt……this is the only way for me to handle this” that was what I said before running away. I made sure that I locked the metal gate with its rusty uncomfortable knob. The one that I have always hated. I did not look at you, standing by the door, content with your wise decision. The last scene was blurry, I was hasty. In the movies when a scene passes quickly, the rest of the scenes will follow, was I trying to end this ugly scene as quickly as possible.

How many times did I want to send you one of my silly messages, stating the well known facts. “Im late as usual….. I promise to work on my punctuality”…..”I have a lot of work to do….” I would have waited for a few minutes before sending a smiley face or the face with the 2 red hearts, my favorite emoji. The days were divided according to your routine, your morning errands, and all the tiny details that added a logical rhythm to my clumsy days. This afternoon I wanted your strong American coffee, no one ever serves such amount of coffee, and you say you are insomniac, ha! But now I cant call you and suggest to reduce your coffee intake. Neither can I ask about your weekend plans. I would have asked you and without waiting for your answer I would have said “It is too early to ask, may be we will meet two, three times before the weekend….” How can you decide that 24 hours ago this would be our last kiss?

By now you would have eaten something sweet, a piece of chocolate, or a gateau. Yes, you were right, that chocolate you gave me yesterday was amazing. You handed me the jar, and I inserted my fat fingers trying to pick one. I took a lot of time trying to pull it out of the jar, you smiled, and I smiled. A fraction of a minute, no, no, it was a moment, and our lives are built of such moments.

By the end of the workday I was expecting an Oscar for the best actor. I think all my colleagues did not notice anything; I was normal. I mean I acted normally. Will this be the new me? Will I succeed in acting every day? I did not send any WhatsApp messages, what an achievement? I need to distract myself; can’t I send you just one message saying that “I am distracting myself”?

You took all the colors of my world. May be not the colors, but a subtle glow that lined everything. Things made sense only because I was going to tell you about them. Remember, how I used to remember a movie or a song and send you its name. Just the name, and you were not very creative with the emojis, so I would ask you quickly, “so this is good or bad” I would laugh and then you would laugh or that what I imagined. You won’t read these words ever, or maybe you will read them one day, but I need to write, I have to write every detail. I want this love to survive, to outlive us. Did I tell you yesterday, that what is between us is really precious, you cant find it every day, did I or that what I have said before I leave you, defeated, shaken and embarrassed.

Good morning!

Good morning

 I am not ok….I am writing this now, as I cannot sleep, and  I know in the morning I won’t be ok.

I don’t know how I reached home, oh, the new dilemma of not knowing where home is. Maybe I distracted myself by unneeded mobile calls, changed the radio stations hysterically, till I parked safely, but I was not ok.

I ate the leftovers slowly slowly. Shaved my beard while ignoring the sad reflection facing me. Warm water drizzled on me monotonously till I left the shower and I was not ok. I prayed, absent mindedly but I prayed, and while prostration I did not know what to say. I lingered around aimlessly, postponing recalling what you said. Will I be able to sleep today? Will you visit me tonight again? Will I be allowed to tell you that I am not ok?

Good morning…. I hope that you will enjoy your morning, the same routine, your coffee, your news, every single detail except the silly WhatsApp messages. Did not you say that it is better to stop these things? Or that what I thought… heard…am I confused? Sorry, I was not fully following what you were saying, decisive as you have always been, it sounded like a logical plan, but definitely not for me. I am not ok, kicked out of your life suddenly, with a calm tone. Excuse me, but you did not give a lot of energy, passion or time to your one-sided negotiations, anyway I had to obey.

It is getting late, I will keep scrolling on my mobile, and consciously won’t crawl to your Instagram, time to change my night routine. I will sleep at the end, but I am not ok. Tomorrow I will distract myself by work, same dead smiles, gossipy comments and endless redundant emails. Will try not to check my WhatsApp, may be its better to keep my mobile away. Will I sing on my way home? How many songs did you promise we will sing together, or that what I thought you said… how I wish I can call you to tell you that I will miss you every day.

The pain is unbearable,

 the pain is unbearable,

the pain is unbearable,

I wish I keep shouting till you understand what I say. Cruelty should have limits; did I beg you properly when I heard what you said? Speechless, or did I murmur something, a silly joke, did I say my cliché? “I am sure you will miss me”, I swear I am sure, unless the whole thing was a play.

I will send you a message here every morning, confirming that I am not ok. I will lean on these words. Hide my tears and sighs. I will make sure to wither your love day by day, no, no, I promise to keep loving you, and wait till I receive your message saying, “Are we meeting today?” 

It will take me sometime

 

It will take me sometime not to say it again and again,

 it will take me some time not to gaze at your eyes,

 it will take me some time not to lose myself in your words,

 it will take me sometime not to shiver as we shake hands,

it will take me sometime not to cry on my back home,

 Home? But where is home? And what is home? I have always made fun of love songs, mocked the sighing teenagers and the kitschy romance of movies. Now, here I am, wandering around such random flushes of happiness, bitterness and despair. I was not prepared for this, was not prepared at all. I am hiding in my darkness, begging for a moment of enlightenment, an answer to the million questions swirling in my mind.

May be this is love, true love, the one that shakes you off, breaks your heart, turns into a martyr, may be? Is this what happening to me? A mirage, may be all my life has been a mirage, hazy memories of dreams, silly ones, unfulfilled ones, and tons and tons of postponed dreams. How would anyone postpone his dreams?

Lovers talk about their love, don’t they? cherish it, sing it, live it and love it. That is what love does! Yet my love silenced me, may be these words could reveal some of the pain, that eternal pain that I have been ignoring, denying and hiding by imposed smiles and a fake sense of contentment. May be its my tiring lust for life, no, no, not this time… It is love, the need to be present, the need to be there, the need to share the moments, the silly moments, the dull moments, maybe this is real love.

Here comes anger, running towards me like a mad boar, a barren wasted life, compromise is the key, wasn’t that what they said? Better than the others, aren’t you? And who is happy, don’t be naïve? For the sake of all gods, why did I plunder my days? Regret is all what I can taste. Maybe it was not meant to be? Then why would I taste the bitterness of love in such a harsh way? No questions are allowed! Keep going silently as you have always done.

So, love exists?

 Yes, I can assure you. Love struck me as a revenge of all the years I buried in disbelief. No matter how sleepless my nights will be, may be one day I will resurrect my heart and savor the sweetness of these few days.