What is your dark side?

 

“what is your dark side?” I asked. In no time, without hesitation and without a single hmm, the answer was “nothing”. However, I should have known that it is “being logical” in and on every aspect of life. No place for feelings if they are not leading to a logical path. This is not love, this is mere shopping for a relationship. Love is inevitable, or at least this is what happened to me, what I learned.

How am I supposed to go on, to keep going? Was it a one-sided love? Did I exaggerate? Did I push? Did I make it up, created a saga from a faint mirage? A new long session of self-lashing….no, I am not mistaken, there was something special, precious and undeniable. I’m sure it is still there; I mean I hope it is still there. Ok, I have to keep going, I have no choice and I don’t have the luxury of explaining what is happening to anyone.

“I will act as if I left Egypt” these were my last words ever, maybe there wasn’t enough time even my famous bye bye. So, this was the plan that hit my mind at that cursed moment. Yes, this is the only way, I have been trying to find work abroad for more than a decade, so maybe I should act as if I got that long-awaited post in one of those exiles along the Persian Gulf. But even there, I would send endless messages, voice notes, video calls and there will be visits, short ones and long ones, planned one and postponed ones, there will be everything I want.

What am I writing here? Thoughts, love letters, may these will be useful to my therapists… it seems that sooner or later I will need help. Now neither career, family or finances seem important or of any value. I feel unrooted, I feel …. I have to feel numb. I have to act numb till time deals with the whole situation. I won’t be the first or the last one deformed by love. Time will shape me and I have to surrender. Wasn’t I always this obedient human being?

Now it’s time for my antidepressant pile, I will take a pill today not half a pill. A quick shower and I’ll run to a meeting, more nonsense, more driving, more thoughts and the music doesn’t help anymore. Fuck, now the romantic lyrics, which I considered kitschy make sense, make perfect sense.

Will you ever read these words? Will you stalk my account one day? Maybe you did earlier today or yesterday. You will say that I am crazy, totally crazy. But these are just words, my only way to keep our memories, my memories. You should not be intimidated by what I write, have mercy, I can’t call you, at least let me have these memories saved. Do you notice how do I jump from one topic to the other? Just like when we used to sit and talk for hours and hours. Migraine attacked me furiously this afternoon, I tried to take a nap, I tried to distract myself from the pain by a greater pain by you. Could not sleep, I left the sofa, picked my mobile and called you, no answer!