Good morning!

Good morning

 I am not ok….I am writing this now, as I cannot sleep, and  I know in the morning I won’t be ok.

I don’t know how I reached home, oh, the new dilemma of not knowing where home is. Maybe I distracted myself by unneeded mobile calls, changed the radio stations hysterically, till I parked safely, but I was not ok.

I ate the leftovers slowly slowly. Shaved my beard while ignoring the sad reflection facing me. Warm water drizzled on me monotonously till I left the shower and I was not ok. I prayed, absent mindedly but I prayed, and while prostration I did not know what to say. I lingered around aimlessly, postponing recalling what you said. Will I be able to sleep today? Will you visit me tonight again? Will I be allowed to tell you that I am not ok?

Good morning…. I hope that you will enjoy your morning, the same routine, your coffee, your news, every single detail except the silly WhatsApp messages. Did not you say that it is better to stop these things? Or that what I thought… heard…am I confused? Sorry, I was not fully following what you were saying, decisive as you have always been, it sounded like a logical plan, but definitely not for me. I am not ok, kicked out of your life suddenly, with a calm tone. Excuse me, but you did not give a lot of energy, passion or time to your one-sided negotiations, anyway I had to obey.

It is getting late, I will keep scrolling on my mobile, and consciously won’t crawl to your Instagram, time to change my night routine. I will sleep at the end, but I am not ok. Tomorrow I will distract myself by work, same dead smiles, gossipy comments and endless redundant emails. Will try not to check my WhatsApp, may be its better to keep my mobile away. Will I sing on my way home? How many songs did you promise we will sing together, or that what I thought you said… how I wish I can call you to tell you that I will miss you every day.

The pain is unbearable,

 the pain is unbearable,

the pain is unbearable,

I wish I keep shouting till you understand what I say. Cruelty should have limits; did I beg you properly when I heard what you said? Speechless, or did I murmur something, a silly joke, did I say my cliché? “I am sure you will miss me”, I swear I am sure, unless the whole thing was a play.

I will send you a message here every morning, confirming that I am not ok. I will lean on these words. Hide my tears and sighs. I will make sure to wither your love day by day, no, no, I promise to keep loving you, and wait till I receive your message saying, “Are we meeting today?”