Day ONE

 

Day One

I have survived day one, this not even day one. Our last kiss was less than 24 hours ago. Our last kiss, our last word and the last time to see you. How can you do this? I cant imagine the meaning of such a word, it does not make any sense to me. What did I answer you then? I swear I can not remember, it was a surreal moment, a sudden earthquake that shocked me, shattered me into thousands of dead souls. I left quickly refusing to believe that that was the last kiss, the last word and the last time to see you.

“I will assume that I left Egypt……this is the only way for me to handle this” that was what I said before running away. I made sure that I locked the metal gate with its rusty uncomfortable knob. The one that I have always hated. I did not look at you, standing by the door, content with your wise decision. The last scene was blurry, I was hasty. In the movies when a scene passes quickly, the rest of the scenes will follow, was I trying to end this ugly scene as quickly as possible.

How many times did I want to send you one of my silly messages, stating the well known facts. “Im late as usual….. I promise to work on my punctuality”…..”I have a lot of work to do….” I would have waited for a few minutes before sending a smiley face or the face with the 2 red hearts, my favorite emoji. The days were divided according to your routine, your morning errands, and all the tiny details that added a logical rhythm to my clumsy days. This afternoon I wanted your strong American coffee, no one ever serves such amount of coffee, and you say you are insomniac, ha! But now I cant call you and suggest to reduce your coffee intake. Neither can I ask about your weekend plans. I would have asked you and without waiting for your answer I would have said “It is too early to ask, may be we will meet two, three times before the weekend….” How can you decide that 24 hours ago this would be our last kiss?

By now you would have eaten something sweet, a piece of chocolate, or a gateau. Yes, you were right, that chocolate you gave me yesterday was amazing. You handed me the jar, and I inserted my fat fingers trying to pick one. I took a lot of time trying to pull it out of the jar, you smiled, and I smiled. A fraction of a minute, no, no, it was a moment, and our lives are built of such moments.

By the end of the workday I was expecting an Oscar for the best actor. I think all my colleagues did not notice anything; I was normal. I mean I acted normally. Will this be the new me? Will I succeed in acting every day? I did not send any WhatsApp messages, what an achievement? I need to distract myself; can’t I send you just one message saying that “I am distracting myself”?

You took all the colors of my world. May be not the colors, but a subtle glow that lined everything. Things made sense only because I was going to tell you about them. Remember, how I used to remember a movie or a song and send you its name. Just the name, and you were not very creative with the emojis, so I would ask you quickly, “so this is good or bad” I would laugh and then you would laugh or that what I imagined. You won’t read these words ever, or maybe you will read them one day, but I need to write, I have to write every detail. I want this love to survive, to outlive us. Did I tell you yesterday, that what is between us is really precious, you cant find it every day, did I or that what I have said before I leave you, defeated, shaken and embarrassed.