Silence

 

This is what I have to deal with. Nothing else is left, I told you everything, I recalled all our conversations to my close friends. I dreamt of you, I dreamt of us. I sighed. I cried. Now, all what is left is silence. I am really sad, not numb as I told you earlier, no, I am sad, and I don’t understand what happened, and why. I will shut up; I will not repeat myself over and over again. The right thing is to understand that I will disappear from your life, maybe I will be remembered in a few years by a song, or a joke, and maybe not. That’s it. End of the story. End of a story. Stop talking, stop whining and please stop being and looking pathetic.

Yalla, I will put on any of my masks, a silly one, a serious one, maybe I can use a mask of a busy man, finish some of my piled work. i have always been putting on masks, what is new? Enough, enough of reliving a mirage, I have to wake up and understand that the story came to an end. It did not seem like a one-sided love, but it was. It would have never continued with sheer sacrifices that I am not capable of. Now its time to deal with October depression, and there is no energy to ask about what, why and how?

Enough dreaming, enough talking, enough loving.  

Distractors

Everything is a distractor, I waste time, I try to be engaged in things, errands, family dinners, movies, I sleep but at the end everything is a distractor. Every day I wait for the few serene moments before I sleep to think about you, to imagine, to dream. I make sure that we are happy, laughing, teasing each other or even praising Fairouz's songs. I take my time, these visions are not counted by minutes or hours, however they enable me to keep going, didn’t all my friends advise me to “keep going”?

I’m sorry. I wanted to apologize for so many things, you met my spoilt inner child or may be you were hit by hunger to love. I was happy but pushy. I was happy but needy. I was happy but demanding. You were shocked or intimidated or worried, you denied all of these feelings but I don’t believe you. I’m sorry, I was excited, eager to know your old stories and keen to share new ones with you. Isn’t it strange that I already love some of your friends that I have never met? Love your old looks decades ago, we laughed at the old hair styles, the baggy pants and the 1990s flashy colors. May be I need to distract myself again now?

Ok they said that I have to “ let go”, but how, for god’s sake how can I let go? let go of what, they see my love to you, can’t say our love, as a failed love story, or more bluntly and as they said harshly “ a short failed love story”. I am not an expert in love, I can’t preach about it but I can assure you love stories are not measured by their duration. I loved you and that was it, I didn’t plan it, I didn’t calculate it and I didn’t stop myself, but how could I ? “Let go” of what, of love? But then what is “love”?a question that I ask myself a million time everyday. Am I selfish because I want to share my life with you? But can I start over? Now? Can I vanish from my life and start over even if this is what I’m dying to do. Can I choose happiness over my duties? Am I allowed? it’s time for another distractor….

You said

 

"You love me in a romantic way, this is not reality". This is what you said firmly and without any hesitation. My silence was the answer. Your smile was cruel, and you paused to provoke me more. I said "no...no" I repeated it many many times, and you did not seem to care. Why are you torturing me again?

You said your love was not that overwhelming. Did you say "love"? or this is what I imagined. Ah, you corrected me afterwards and said that the feelings that were developing were not overwhelming. "the feelings that were developing" doesn't this mean love? Are we stirring a philosophical or a linguistic debate? Shocked by what I am hearing, I kept stuttering, all my lame attempts to say something funny failed.

"I will say something that you will not like..."I nodded automatically and you continued with the same tone, "I successfully overcame those feelings that I had for you a while ago, now I feel that I'm on the right track of dealing with you as a friend".  May be I gasped, but apparently I looked miserable, or even pathetic. "Friends...." I murmured before laughing hysterically, then I asked, "how did you do it?"

"What do you want?"

I replied quickly, "nothing, nothing at all.......no.....i want.....forget it".

You visited me today

 

It was neither a dream nor a memory. You were as beautiful as you have always been, as caring and understanding as you have always been. Was there a trace of vulnerability in your presence today, or this was my imagination. Your visit was sudden, a quick visit. We were together for a few moments. Your visit was a miracle, and as many miracles, they seem like rewards for believers, and tortures for lovers, I’m both a believer and a lover.

Your visit was short. It shock me and shaken me to realize that nothing and no one can take your love away. Not even you, my love. My love to you will love as long as I am alive. Remember when I teased you about reincarnation? In your usual rational manner you said “ but when you come again you want be you!”. I wanted to say “ I will return back to love you again and again” may be I would have added “ your love needs an infinite number of lives to be enjoyed”. On that day I told you “ all what we got is the current moment”. You laughed and said, “ isn’t this too cheesy?”, of course I laughed in response to your cheerful laughs and told you that the most cheesy quotes are really wise one that people just abused.
But I have more than the current moment, I have your love, I have our memories, and I have my dreams of many lives that should have been lived with you.
Come and visit me again, I will be always waiting, with my smile, no regrets, no blames, nothing but love. Come and visit me whenever you miss me.

Polite strangers

 

This is what we became,…..polite strangers, but today I am done with this ridiculous politeness. I don’t want to ask you to “call me whenever its convenient for you”, I don’t want to “thank you so much”, and I don’t want to use the most neutral emojis in my messages. Today I want to scream, today I want to blame, today I want to fight. Yes, I want to fight.

It is you who must be blamed, you did not give us a chance, you were the one who kept jumping from one stage to the other. You, you were the one who created phases. I was floating, gliding, flying in your love. I was really happy, no, I was in the utmost state of happiness. Now, I am numb, and I hate the polite tone we are using, strangers, we became strangers.

“Call me whenever it is convenient for you”. What is this? This is what we reached; this is how we are dealing with each other. Nothing is convenient for me; nothing is convenient at all. I am waking up every day with a dozen of modes, a dozen of ideas, a dozen of decisions and endless defeats.

“How was your day?”. You will say “fine” or “elhamdollelah”. But what shall I say if you ever ask how was my day? I don’t know, frankly, I don’t know. I am just pushing the days, as we say in our witty Egyptian dialect, pushing the days till one day you will say, “Let’s give it another try”. I am pushing the days till I receive a message saying “yalla let’s meet”. I am pushing the days till you become a memory. I am not sure how will I feel then. Anyway, I don’t know how do I feel now, no idea at all.

I said I want to fight today, yes…yes, you ruined everything. You did not give us a chance. Was all this happiness too much for you? Could not you bear such joy? Or did you know that this story was never going to last? Too good to be true. Why did not you just give us more time, a few more weeks, a few more days, a few more memories for me to live on.

As you see, I can not fight. I don’t know what to tell you, apart from the polite messages, the silly emojis, and the mundane questions. I don’t know what to tell you. I already told you everything. I told you that I loved more than I understood, more than I imagined, and unfortunately more than I should. Now, there is a scary void in me, or I became that scary void. I became lifeless, and now can I bear any nice word? Can I bear any beautiful smile? Can I bear any charming photo? Why not, aren’t we now polite strangers?

What is it?

 

Nothing…. What can I say? Will you ever understand? I’m dying … this is simply what it is. It’s not death, at least death puts an end to any attempt of any sort. But, I feel it’s a curse, I tasted happiness and then all of a sudden I’m thrown back to my mundane life, to deal with bills, meetings, stupid people and bored acquaintances.

What is it? What can I say? Will you ever understand? Do you know the sign “ Lost and Found” in my case it’s “ Found and Lost” and I should put everything in that box, my happiness, love and life.
I thought that it would not be that hard, that painful, that shocking. I thought that I would be done with this feeling much earlier. But this morning I woke up and was shocked. What is it?
Am I done? Are we done? Is that it? A short profound love story? A curse? The memories are as painful as they are beautiful. The glimpses of what our lives could have been slap me violently. If… only if …. We were together…. We are together.

I can’t cry anymore… I ran out of tears…. I’m don’t with the breathing techniques, the meditation, the pills, the prayers and the screaming. I’m trying to be wise, just as you are. Trying to fake acceptance… I have always hated this idea, this state, this lie… acceptance.

Now I will drink my coffee, fake a dead smile, drive to work, and finish some dull work duties, and hopefully no one will ask me “what is it?” 

The Phase of PROVOCATIVE messages

I wasn’t prepared for this at all. I send a message, assuming it’s funny, at least it’s ok. You receive it, you read it, you take your time, you take more than your time, while I check my WhatsApp hysterically till I find you “typing” after a few slow minutes I receive the most cold, annoying and indifferent reply. Silly me! I send you something that should have been funny but as I am hasty and confused, my reply is either vague or super u funny. You read it in a blink, May be you get angry, or bored or both. So your reply is a bit harsh or rude, in fact it’s a mixture of both. “I was joking” this will be my automatic lame reply accompanied by silly emoji.

You are not online. I check, not online. I check again, not online….. still not online. My hours are wasted checking my wicked WhatsApp. Ooops you were online a few minutes ago, when I was receiving a call, praying, making a cup of coffee?

I wait for a lifetime, or a few minutes before asking a random question, may be you will reply after a minute or after an hour but my torture is the same. Most probably your reply will express your disappointment or May be I exaggerate but WhatsApp is not the proper means of communication. How can I send you “ I love you” on WhatsApp millions of times every day, if I just want to whisper it while gazing at your eyes.

But this is all what I have, WhatsApp and it’s provocative messages. May be I can send you something neutral “ I m late at work as usual😂” you don’t reply. But this does not require a reply. Could not you send an emoji, a sad face, an angry one? May be you are angry now? But why?

May be you can’t play this role? Friends…. We can’t be friends, that was what you said yesterday. Or was it me who said this or thought about this. Can you see how confused I became? Did I tell you then that we don’t have to categorize what is between us, we don’t have to label it, call it or analyze it. Stop analyzing for god’s sake, enjoy the feeling. Is this so difficult, is it impossible? These thoughts can’t be sent as WhatsApp messages, these words will be provocative for sure