What is it?

 

Nothing…. What can I say? Will you ever understand? I’m dying … this is simply what it is. It’s not death, at least death puts an end to any attempt of any sort. But, I feel it’s a curse, I tasted happiness and then all of a sudden I’m thrown back to my mundane life, to deal with bills, meetings, stupid people and bored acquaintances.

What is it? What can I say? Will you ever understand? Do you know the sign “ Lost and Found” in my case it’s “ Found and Lost” and I should put everything in that box, my happiness, love and life.
I thought that it would not be that hard, that painful, that shocking. I thought that I would be done with this feeling much earlier. But this morning I woke up and was shocked. What is it?
Am I done? Are we done? Is that it? A short profound love story? A curse? The memories are as painful as they are beautiful. The glimpses of what our lives could have been slap me violently. If… only if …. We were together…. We are together.

I can’t cry anymore… I ran out of tears…. I’m don’t with the breathing techniques, the meditation, the pills, the prayers and the screaming. I’m trying to be wise, just as you are. Trying to fake acceptance… I have always hated this idea, this state, this lie… acceptance.

Now I will drink my coffee, fake a dead smile, drive to work, and finish some dull work duties, and hopefully no one will ask me “what is it?”