Distractors

Everything is a distractor, I waste time, I try to be engaged in things, errands, family dinners, movies, I sleep but at the end everything is a distractor. Every day I wait for the few serene moments before I sleep to think about you, to imagine, to dream. I make sure that we are happy, laughing, teasing each other or even praising Fairouz's songs. I take my time, these visions are not counted by minutes or hours, however they enable me to keep going, didn’t all my friends advise me to “keep going”?

I’m sorry. I wanted to apologize for so many things, you met my spoilt inner child or may be you were hit by hunger to love. I was happy but pushy. I was happy but needy. I was happy but demanding. You were shocked or intimidated or worried, you denied all of these feelings but I don’t believe you. I’m sorry, I was excited, eager to know your old stories and keen to share new ones with you. Isn’t it strange that I already love some of your friends that I have never met? Love your old looks decades ago, we laughed at the old hair styles, the baggy pants and the 1990s flashy colors. May be I need to distract myself again now?

Ok they said that I have to “ let go”, but how, for god’s sake how can I let go? let go of what, they see my love to you, can’t say our love, as a failed love story, or more bluntly and as they said harshly “ a short failed love story”. I am not an expert in love, I can’t preach about it but I can assure you love stories are not measured by their duration. I loved you and that was it, I didn’t plan it, I didn’t calculate it and I didn’t stop myself, but how could I ? “Let go” of what, of love? But then what is “love”?a question that I ask myself a million time everyday. Am I selfish because I want to share my life with you? But can I start over? Now? Can I vanish from my life and start over even if this is what I’m dying to do. Can I choose happiness over my duties? Am I allowed? it’s time for another distractor….