Silence

 

This is what I have to deal with. Nothing else is left, I told you everything, I recalled all our conversations to my close friends. I dreamt of you, I dreamt of us. I sighed. I cried. Now, all what is left is silence. I am really sad, not numb as I told you earlier, no, I am sad, and I don’t understand what happened, and why. I will shut up; I will not repeat myself over and over again. The right thing is to understand that I will disappear from your life, maybe I will be remembered in a few years by a song, or a joke, and maybe not. That’s it. End of the story. End of a story. Stop talking, stop whining and please stop being and looking pathetic.

Yalla, I will put on any of my masks, a silly one, a serious one, maybe I can use a mask of a busy man, finish some of my piled work. i have always been putting on masks, what is new? Enough, enough of reliving a mirage, I have to wake up and understand that the story came to an end. It did not seem like a one-sided love, but it was. It would have never continued with sheer sacrifices that I am not capable of. Now its time to deal with October depression, and there is no energy to ask about what, why and how?

Enough dreaming, enough talking, enough loving.  

Distractors

Everything is a distractor, I waste time, I try to be engaged in things, errands, family dinners, movies, I sleep but at the end everything is a distractor. Every day I wait for the few serene moments before I sleep to think about you, to imagine, to dream. I make sure that we are happy, laughing, teasing each other or even praising Fairouz's songs. I take my time, these visions are not counted by minutes or hours, however they enable me to keep going, didn’t all my friends advise me to “keep going”?

I’m sorry. I wanted to apologize for so many things, you met my spoilt inner child or may be you were hit by hunger to love. I was happy but pushy. I was happy but needy. I was happy but demanding. You were shocked or intimidated or worried, you denied all of these feelings but I don’t believe you. I’m sorry, I was excited, eager to know your old stories and keen to share new ones with you. Isn’t it strange that I already love some of your friends that I have never met? Love your old looks decades ago, we laughed at the old hair styles, the baggy pants and the 1990s flashy colors. May be I need to distract myself again now?

Ok they said that I have to “ let go”, but how, for god’s sake how can I let go? let go of what, they see my love to you, can’t say our love, as a failed love story, or more bluntly and as they said harshly “ a short failed love story”. I am not an expert in love, I can’t preach about it but I can assure you love stories are not measured by their duration. I loved you and that was it, I didn’t plan it, I didn’t calculate it and I didn’t stop myself, but how could I ? “Let go” of what, of love? But then what is “love”?a question that I ask myself a million time everyday. Am I selfish because I want to share my life with you? But can I start over? Now? Can I vanish from my life and start over even if this is what I’m dying to do. Can I choose happiness over my duties? Am I allowed? it’s time for another distractor….

You said

 

"You love me in a romantic way, this is not reality". This is what you said firmly and without any hesitation. My silence was the answer. Your smile was cruel, and you paused to provoke me more. I said "no...no" I repeated it many many times, and you did not seem to care. Why are you torturing me again?

You said your love was not that overwhelming. Did you say "love"? or this is what I imagined. Ah, you corrected me afterwards and said that the feelings that were developing were not overwhelming. "the feelings that were developing" doesn't this mean love? Are we stirring a philosophical or a linguistic debate? Shocked by what I am hearing, I kept stuttering, all my lame attempts to say something funny failed.

"I will say something that you will not like..."I nodded automatically and you continued with the same tone, "I successfully overcame those feelings that I had for you a while ago, now I feel that I'm on the right track of dealing with you as a friend".  May be I gasped, but apparently I looked miserable, or even pathetic. "Friends...." I murmured before laughing hysterically, then I asked, "how did you do it?"

"What do you want?"

I replied quickly, "nothing, nothing at all.......no.....i want.....forget it".

You visited me today

 

It was neither a dream nor a memory. You were as beautiful as you have always been, as caring and understanding as you have always been. Was there a trace of vulnerability in your presence today, or this was my imagination. Your visit was sudden, a quick visit. We were together for a few moments. Your visit was a miracle, and as many miracles, they seem like rewards for believers, and tortures for lovers, I’m both a believer and a lover.

Your visit was short. It shock me and shaken me to realize that nothing and no one can take your love away. Not even you, my love. My love to you will love as long as I am alive. Remember when I teased you about reincarnation? In your usual rational manner you said “ but when you come again you want be you!”. I wanted to say “ I will return back to love you again and again” may be I would have added “ your love needs an infinite number of lives to be enjoyed”. On that day I told you “ all what we got is the current moment”. You laughed and said, “ isn’t this too cheesy?”, of course I laughed in response to your cheerful laughs and told you that the most cheesy quotes are really wise one that people just abused.
But I have more than the current moment, I have your love, I have our memories, and I have my dreams of many lives that should have been lived with you.
Come and visit me again, I will be always waiting, with my smile, no regrets, no blames, nothing but love. Come and visit me whenever you miss me.

Polite strangers

 

This is what we became,…..polite strangers, but today I am done with this ridiculous politeness. I don’t want to ask you to “call me whenever its convenient for you”, I don’t want to “thank you so much”, and I don’t want to use the most neutral emojis in my messages. Today I want to scream, today I want to blame, today I want to fight. Yes, I want to fight.

It is you who must be blamed, you did not give us a chance, you were the one who kept jumping from one stage to the other. You, you were the one who created phases. I was floating, gliding, flying in your love. I was really happy, no, I was in the utmost state of happiness. Now, I am numb, and I hate the polite tone we are using, strangers, we became strangers.

“Call me whenever it is convenient for you”. What is this? This is what we reached; this is how we are dealing with each other. Nothing is convenient for me; nothing is convenient at all. I am waking up every day with a dozen of modes, a dozen of ideas, a dozen of decisions and endless defeats.

“How was your day?”. You will say “fine” or “elhamdollelah”. But what shall I say if you ever ask how was my day? I don’t know, frankly, I don’t know. I am just pushing the days, as we say in our witty Egyptian dialect, pushing the days till one day you will say, “Let’s give it another try”. I am pushing the days till I receive a message saying “yalla let’s meet”. I am pushing the days till you become a memory. I am not sure how will I feel then. Anyway, I don’t know how do I feel now, no idea at all.

I said I want to fight today, yes…yes, you ruined everything. You did not give us a chance. Was all this happiness too much for you? Could not you bear such joy? Or did you know that this story was never going to last? Too good to be true. Why did not you just give us more time, a few more weeks, a few more days, a few more memories for me to live on.

As you see, I can not fight. I don’t know what to tell you, apart from the polite messages, the silly emojis, and the mundane questions. I don’t know what to tell you. I already told you everything. I told you that I loved more than I understood, more than I imagined, and unfortunately more than I should. Now, there is a scary void in me, or I became that scary void. I became lifeless, and now can I bear any nice word? Can I bear any beautiful smile? Can I bear any charming photo? Why not, aren’t we now polite strangers?

What is it?

 

Nothing…. What can I say? Will you ever understand? I’m dying … this is simply what it is. It’s not death, at least death puts an end to any attempt of any sort. But, I feel it’s a curse, I tasted happiness and then all of a sudden I’m thrown back to my mundane life, to deal with bills, meetings, stupid people and bored acquaintances.

What is it? What can I say? Will you ever understand? Do you know the sign “ Lost and Found” in my case it’s “ Found and Lost” and I should put everything in that box, my happiness, love and life.
I thought that it would not be that hard, that painful, that shocking. I thought that I would be done with this feeling much earlier. But this morning I woke up and was shocked. What is it?
Am I done? Are we done? Is that it? A short profound love story? A curse? The memories are as painful as they are beautiful. The glimpses of what our lives could have been slap me violently. If… only if …. We were together…. We are together.

I can’t cry anymore… I ran out of tears…. I’m don’t with the breathing techniques, the meditation, the pills, the prayers and the screaming. I’m trying to be wise, just as you are. Trying to fake acceptance… I have always hated this idea, this state, this lie… acceptance.

Now I will drink my coffee, fake a dead smile, drive to work, and finish some dull work duties, and hopefully no one will ask me “what is it?” 

The Phase of PROVOCATIVE messages

I wasn’t prepared for this at all. I send a message, assuming it’s funny, at least it’s ok. You receive it, you read it, you take your time, you take more than your time, while I check my WhatsApp hysterically till I find you “typing” after a few slow minutes I receive the most cold, annoying and indifferent reply. Silly me! I send you something that should have been funny but as I am hasty and confused, my reply is either vague or super u funny. You read it in a blink, May be you get angry, or bored or both. So your reply is a bit harsh or rude, in fact it’s a mixture of both. “I was joking” this will be my automatic lame reply accompanied by silly emoji.

You are not online. I check, not online. I check again, not online….. still not online. My hours are wasted checking my wicked WhatsApp. Ooops you were online a few minutes ago, when I was receiving a call, praying, making a cup of coffee?

I wait for a lifetime, or a few minutes before asking a random question, may be you will reply after a minute or after an hour but my torture is the same. Most probably your reply will express your disappointment or May be I exaggerate but WhatsApp is not the proper means of communication. How can I send you “ I love you” on WhatsApp millions of times every day, if I just want to whisper it while gazing at your eyes.

But this is all what I have, WhatsApp and it’s provocative messages. May be I can send you something neutral “ I m late at work as usual😂” you don’t reply. But this does not require a reply. Could not you send an emoji, a sad face, an angry one? May be you are angry now? But why?

May be you can’t play this role? Friends…. We can’t be friends, that was what you said yesterday. Or was it me who said this or thought about this. Can you see how confused I became? Did I tell you then that we don’t have to categorize what is between us, we don’t have to label it, call it or analyze it. Stop analyzing for god’s sake, enjoy the feeling. Is this so difficult, is it impossible? These thoughts can’t be sent as WhatsApp messages, these words will be provocative for sure

The Phases

 

All the words lost their meaning, they look dead, an arrangement of letters on a piece of paper, or mere sounds devoid of any sense. Longing is killing me. Sadness engulfed me today, a pure and strong grief that burst inside me and filled me with a tsunami of unleashed tears. I am afraid that I reached the end, the end of a story I was just enjoying its beginnings.

I don’t know if you have been reading what I wrote. My faint screams, my humiliating appeals and my pathetic my self-flagellation. Sometimes I hope you do, but most of the time I pray you don’t. Prayers? I think that my most sincere prayer is that you taste what I feel, this shattering love that is killing and reviving me every hour since I met you. Will you bear all this? The urge to meet, to talk, to send silly messages and stare at the mobile screen till I start typing. Oh my god, you type so slowly. I miss you.

I hated our WhatsApp messages today, too formal, too polite, too dead! How many “thank you” and “Inshala” can a 3-minutes chat include? What are we doing? Staying in touch, mmm, acting as friends? Were we ever friends, since when lovers turn to friends? There was something between us, something genuine, spontaneous and beautiful. I called it Love, you panicked, resisted and refused to admit that you were in love. My “love” and your “something” were just starting a happy dance in a magical realm, when you stopped, and asked your logical questions. My “love” wasn’t worried as your “something” and did not bother answering them. I remember myself staring at you naively while murmuring “I love you”. This sentence irritated you then, and your definition of love was too scientific to me. I was tempted to mock what you were saying, but your firmness stopped me.

 Am I wearing our memories together, abusing such lovely moments by recalling them again and again? Your tone when you told me this story, and how you laughed at that joke and what you said about that movie. I remember everything, and am not ready to let them fade away. Would my love have survived the boredom phase, when every grimace initiates a fight, when every errand seems like a mission impossible, and when our habits are seen as irritating. I think we would have survived it, my “love’ would have supported me, not sure about your “something”. Would the boredom phase come first, or would it follow the screaming phase, when we start shouting at each other for the silliest reasons. I don’t confront, I don’t scream, and I would have never allowed this crazy phase to visit us. But they say never say never. May be our baby love would have grown in a healthy, balanced and mature environment, that would have nurtured and prepared him for such phases. What about the silence phase, when all the stories had been told, all the jokes had been repeated and all the songs had been sung? Here I am living in the silence alone, surrendering to boredom alone, and heading to madness alone.

Am I fooling myself? I want to live each and every phase with you, not only the fluffy beginning, nut the boredom, the crazy and the silent days. I want to fight, blame and curse each other before we lose ourselves in endless hugs. I want everything, I want you to feel the same. May be your “something” simply was not enough. 

Selfies

 

By now I would have sent you a couple of selfies! As silly at it sounds but we were still at the peak of the selfie frenzy phase.  I was never a fan of taking selfies, but I realized that I looked really happy in the ones that I sent you. Does love make us more beautiful too? You interrupted the whole things, with your rational thinking, and I accuse myself of being pushy,  ha? We could have enjoyed what was happening for a little while before throwing all these questions in the air. May be you were looking for stability, the exact thing that I was escaping. My whole life is static, expected and quite, do you know how does it feel? I was dying to live before I die. Stability, sorry but this is the last thing I can think of. 

May be I was selfish? I wanted love, to love you and then I started begging for your love. I told you that I was accused of being “Selfish”, you laughed and admitted that you were accused of being  “ stingy”. Selfish and stingy, a combination destined for pain or may be  total failure. 

 Love made me happier and more compassionate. I felt that everything was perfect, even Cairo with its crazy traffic and ugly buildings, the sad , defeated and ugly faces. I wanted to tell them to cheer up a little, don't you love? cant you all feel the love that is filling our world? For me nothing else mattered, only love, it felt like the answer to all our pains. Selfishness? Is this considered an act of selfishness, loving you, and needing you to love me?

“There was something… “ that was what you said, with all your rationality and a bit of indifference, you refused to say that it was “ love”. For god’s sake this is not attraction, too precious and profound to be called mere attraction.  when you answered my call and calmly explained what happened, you made me feel as if I have to apologize for my feelings, apologize for loving you! I felt worthless… I was ashamed, am I that bad? Should love be expressed in a more “formal” way? In calculated doses, maybe?

Al Dente

Today I was serving rice in a big plate, and absent mindedly I asked my mother, “is it ready, done?” and suddenly I wasn’t there anymore, but with you in your kitchen. Remember that day? You were cooking enthusiastically while I was gazing at you with a sense of veneration. “So you like your pasta soft like most Egyptians?” I am smiling now, as I remember how you laughed. I love your way when you say something controversial, naughty or eccentric, you just roll the words along your mouth and laugh in a lovely devilish way. “mmm…. Not soft, but frankly I’m not a big fan of Al Dente…” we spent sometime discussing the perfect softness of pasta. I tried helping, but you insisted that I do nothing. I watched you moving around quickly, chopping tomatoes, and pepper, adding oil to a pan, putting everything back to the cupboards, asking me about how I like salt, I was still gazing. You were rotating around the stove, while I sat watching you.

I started singing, I asked you to sing with me, please, but you hated your voice, I love your voice. I sang, I sang happily, most of the lyrics was mixed up, then you intervened and corrected Fairouz’s song

ما تاري سوا         انت وها الهوي

اتفقتوا علي               وما عندي خبر

At that specific moment I really wanted to hug you, and relive with you all the moments that I lived alone when I listened to Fairouz. Pasta was ready, we ate, talked and laughed. I was in heaven, that night I sent you a WhatsApp message, telling you that singing with you in the kitchen was one of the most beautiful moments in my life.

Maybe I scared you? I bombarded you with my love, I seemed dependent, melodramatic and needy. “I love you” became my mantra, it irritated you, annoyed you or at least made you not at ease. You felt it was too early, but that what how I felt. If this is not love, please let me know what is this feeling, what is this thing that made singing in a hot kitchen while boiling pasta one of the best moments of my life ever. I need this feeling, maybe I have been needing such a feeling all my life without believing that it exists or that I will be lucky enough to enjoy it, even for such a short while. I hit you be a tremendous hunger for love, maybe I rushed you, or pushed you.

 

Falling in Love

“The Bridges of Madison County” I answered excitedly just after asking you about your favorite movie. “I prefer “Falling in Love”” you answered calmly in your wise tone.  At that time, we jumped into a totally different topic, several other topics. Remember, nothing could have stopped our conversations, hours used to disappear as we spoke. When I left you that night, it occurred to me that it might be a good omen, in “Falling in Love” they were united after one long painful year. At least your choice is better than mine, “The Bridges of Madison county” was about how Francesca lived the rest of her life on the sweet memories of the few days they spent together, 2 dinners, one night, a picnic or two……that was everything. Sounds familiar? Could it be like this, could this be the end? Could Francesca be my guiding angel, my saint, my love goddess?

Time, I have never understood the logic of time, I have always hated its vague rhythm. Were these moments all what we are allowed to have, that was it? It is unfair, no, it is cruel. I needed to know that our moments together were that limited, at least I would have told you everything I wanted to say, I would have hugged you tighter, I would have stayed longer. How can my most precious moments turn into memories, simply because you decided this.

Four days ago, we were together, lost in the blissful gardens of love, or at least I was the “lost” one in love, lost in its simplest, yet strongest forms. Love without plans, without calculations, without the eternal question of “and what is next?”. Since then I have been whirling in a terrestrial hell, whirling alone among the crowds. Time passed, I slept, I ate, and communicated with those surrounding me with a talent that impressed me. Maybe I was waiting for a miracle, waiting makes you numb, numbness takes you into a world of chaos and illusions, which leads you to stupid actions, and that what happened. A phone call, that shocked me by its formality, all what I had to say in response to the logical explanation that I head was a series of “yes… yes…I see… you are right….. I understand…. Yes…”.

Can love be justified or even explained? 

 

What is your dark side?

 

“what is your dark side?” I asked. In no time, without hesitation and without a single hmm, the answer was “nothing”. However, I should have known that it is “being logical” in and on every aspect of life. No place for feelings if they are not leading to a logical path. This is not love, this is mere shopping for a relationship. Love is inevitable, or at least this is what happened to me, what I learned.

How am I supposed to go on, to keep going? Was it a one-sided love? Did I exaggerate? Did I push? Did I make it up, created a saga from a faint mirage? A new long session of self-lashing….no, I am not mistaken, there was something special, precious and undeniable. I’m sure it is still there; I mean I hope it is still there. Ok, I have to keep going, I have no choice and I don’t have the luxury of explaining what is happening to anyone.

“I will act as if I left Egypt” these were my last words ever, maybe there wasn’t enough time even my famous bye bye. So, this was the plan that hit my mind at that cursed moment. Yes, this is the only way, I have been trying to find work abroad for more than a decade, so maybe I should act as if I got that long-awaited post in one of those exiles along the Persian Gulf. But even there, I would send endless messages, voice notes, video calls and there will be visits, short ones and long ones, planned one and postponed ones, there will be everything I want.

What am I writing here? Thoughts, love letters, may these will be useful to my therapists… it seems that sooner or later I will need help. Now neither career, family or finances seem important or of any value. I feel unrooted, I feel …. I have to feel numb. I have to act numb till time deals with the whole situation. I won’t be the first or the last one deformed by love. Time will shape me and I have to surrender. Wasn’t I always this obedient human being?

Now it’s time for my antidepressant pile, I will take a pill today not half a pill. A quick shower and I’ll run to a meeting, more nonsense, more driving, more thoughts and the music doesn’t help anymore. Fuck, now the romantic lyrics, which I considered kitschy make sense, make perfect sense.

Will you ever read these words? Will you stalk my account one day? Maybe you did earlier today or yesterday. You will say that I am crazy, totally crazy. But these are just words, my only way to keep our memories, my memories. You should not be intimidated by what I write, have mercy, I can’t call you, at least let me have these memories saved. Do you notice how do I jump from one topic to the other? Just like when we used to sit and talk for hours and hours. Migraine attacked me furiously this afternoon, I tried to take a nap, I tried to distract myself from the pain by a greater pain by you. Could not sleep, I left the sofa, picked my mobile and called you, no answer!

   

I will call

I will call

I have to call. It doesn’t make sense, all what happened does not make sense. I said that what we have is so precious, ok, let me fight for it. What will happen? What are my options? No answer at all, a super cold answer that will embarrass me for several lives to come, or a rational answer reminding me that the right decision was taken. I wasn’t involved in the process but the decision was taken.

I have been obedient throughout my life, obedient at work, obedient within the family rules, obedient within each and every system imposed on me and us. May I rebel now, even for one single time. Just to say that I can’t live like this. I don’t know how. Dignity and self-respect…. Shhhh, these concepts do not make sense, I was lost in love, at last I was lost in love. It is not a tango between two different personalities. What does self-respect mean now, in this specific moment? Ok, I woke up full of self-respect and devoid of any other feeling. Obedience, self-respect, or just quitting. I have an impressive reputation of being a BIG quitter, yes. Also known as someone who does not confront. What is right and what is wrong? How can a phone call be that crucial, no not crucial, may be its just revealing? They say love recreates you, forms you in different ways. I don’t know what to do.

Everything seemed perfect, the whole thing seemed beyond perfection. Last time we were sitting on the floor surrounded by old photos, laughing, recalling memories and making fun of other people littering the photos. I repeated many times, may be about every photo, “This is a very beautiful photo… you are very photogenic”. My compliments, which were not compliments at all, but spontaneous responses, just like breathing, blinking or even stuttering. A magical moment, sharing memories, laughing, gossiping, sitting next to each other on the floor, we knew that both of us were exerting a tremendous effort not to disappear in a mist of kisses.

Were these illusions? All these happy moments, that seemed logical, that seemed natural, that seemed to be our right. This is Day two, and I am drowning in this devastating whirlpool. Anything apart from writing about my feelings seems trivial, lame or unnecessary. Writing is all what I have now, as I can’t talk about what happened, what would I say? No one will understand. It is snot me, these agitating feelings were never expected from me, at least that was how I succeeded in portraying myself to other. So, you have been acting all your life, so what is new, keep acting, what is new? You will master the new character, you will be able to hide the new wound, it will swallow you, it will be your new cocoon, it will shape you, and reshape you and reshape you for 1001 times, till you forget who you are. I am in the middle of a burning metamorphosis, I am in the aching act of recreation, all what I think about, are these beautiful moments, the laughs, the bla bla bla, the singing with loud strange voices and a totally mixed-up lyrics, the WhatsApp messages, discussing the routine, the political topics that we agreed to postpone for a while not to add to our misery.

Will a phone call resurrect all these beautiful moments, and put all the postponed plans back in place, the movie nights, the trips abroad, and the museum visits? Now I have to go to work, because nothing happened, just another ordinary day in the ordinary life of an ordinary man. Because for everyone who knows me nothing has happened, the same dull feelings of fake gratitude and contentment. No, I have known better feelings, more genuine feelings, I have tasted the real bittersweet taste of life, and it was brief, so brief and I want more, I need more. 

 

Je pense a toi

 

“Je pense a toi”

Do you remember when I sent you this song, and told you “Je pense a toi 24/7”? The silence was longer than usual, the silence was unexpected, the silence was strange, the silence was rude, the silence worried me, but I had to come up with excuses as usual. The mobile wasn’t charged, you had a call, went to the toilet, you are typing, will type, looking for a witty answer. Then I realized that my comment was one of those silly comments that forces you to freeze, to return to your silent world. Instead of stopping there, I kept chattering, just to worsen the situation, just to push you away.

“I am sorry I am pushy…..although I hate to be pushy” how many times did I tell you this? My love…. No, I wont accuse my love of anything. You simply did not love me. “Je pense a toi” all the time, the fact that I don’t know if I cross your mind at all is killing me. Was it a mirage for you? I was a jester, who helped you to waste some time with my stutters and awes.

On my way back I decided that you can disappear as you like, you can stop me from seeing you, you can ignore my messages or coldly ask me not to send any, but you cant prevent me from loving you, you cant take the memories away. They will fade, I know! But here I am recalling every breath, every touch, every kiss, every smile, shy laugh, blush, misunderstanding, late WhatsApp message, silly emotion, every gaze. I will keep everything in my heart. I will relive our moments alone, and I will wait for your message. One day you will send me a message, a general bland message that means nothing for you, but may be you will be bored, may be you will remember me and say why not, I don’t know how will you feel then, but I know that it will happen. I will be checking my mobile, as I did a million times today, I will see your name and quickly I will read what you sent, maybe it will be a “HI” followed by your silence. Oh God, I miss you. I miss everything about you. “Je pense a toi”

Day ONE

 

Day One

I have survived day one, this not even day one. Our last kiss was less than 24 hours ago. Our last kiss, our last word and the last time to see you. How can you do this? I cant imagine the meaning of such a word, it does not make any sense to me. What did I answer you then? I swear I can not remember, it was a surreal moment, a sudden earthquake that shocked me, shattered me into thousands of dead souls. I left quickly refusing to believe that that was the last kiss, the last word and the last time to see you.

“I will assume that I left Egypt……this is the only way for me to handle this” that was what I said before running away. I made sure that I locked the metal gate with its rusty uncomfortable knob. The one that I have always hated. I did not look at you, standing by the door, content with your wise decision. The last scene was blurry, I was hasty. In the movies when a scene passes quickly, the rest of the scenes will follow, was I trying to end this ugly scene as quickly as possible.

How many times did I want to send you one of my silly messages, stating the well known facts. “Im late as usual….. I promise to work on my punctuality”…..”I have a lot of work to do….” I would have waited for a few minutes before sending a smiley face or the face with the 2 red hearts, my favorite emoji. The days were divided according to your routine, your morning errands, and all the tiny details that added a logical rhythm to my clumsy days. This afternoon I wanted your strong American coffee, no one ever serves such amount of coffee, and you say you are insomniac, ha! But now I cant call you and suggest to reduce your coffee intake. Neither can I ask about your weekend plans. I would have asked you and without waiting for your answer I would have said “It is too early to ask, may be we will meet two, three times before the weekend….” How can you decide that 24 hours ago this would be our last kiss?

By now you would have eaten something sweet, a piece of chocolate, or a gateau. Yes, you were right, that chocolate you gave me yesterday was amazing. You handed me the jar, and I inserted my fat fingers trying to pick one. I took a lot of time trying to pull it out of the jar, you smiled, and I smiled. A fraction of a minute, no, no, it was a moment, and our lives are built of such moments.

By the end of the workday I was expecting an Oscar for the best actor. I think all my colleagues did not notice anything; I was normal. I mean I acted normally. Will this be the new me? Will I succeed in acting every day? I did not send any WhatsApp messages, what an achievement? I need to distract myself; can’t I send you just one message saying that “I am distracting myself”?

You took all the colors of my world. May be not the colors, but a subtle glow that lined everything. Things made sense only because I was going to tell you about them. Remember, how I used to remember a movie or a song and send you its name. Just the name, and you were not very creative with the emojis, so I would ask you quickly, “so this is good or bad” I would laugh and then you would laugh or that what I imagined. You won’t read these words ever, or maybe you will read them one day, but I need to write, I have to write every detail. I want this love to survive, to outlive us. Did I tell you yesterday, that what is between us is really precious, you cant find it every day, did I or that what I have said before I leave you, defeated, shaken and embarrassed.

Good morning!

Good morning

 I am not ok….I am writing this now, as I cannot sleep, and  I know in the morning I won’t be ok.

I don’t know how I reached home, oh, the new dilemma of not knowing where home is. Maybe I distracted myself by unneeded mobile calls, changed the radio stations hysterically, till I parked safely, but I was not ok.

I ate the leftovers slowly slowly. Shaved my beard while ignoring the sad reflection facing me. Warm water drizzled on me monotonously till I left the shower and I was not ok. I prayed, absent mindedly but I prayed, and while prostration I did not know what to say. I lingered around aimlessly, postponing recalling what you said. Will I be able to sleep today? Will you visit me tonight again? Will I be allowed to tell you that I am not ok?

Good morning…. I hope that you will enjoy your morning, the same routine, your coffee, your news, every single detail except the silly WhatsApp messages. Did not you say that it is better to stop these things? Or that what I thought… heard…am I confused? Sorry, I was not fully following what you were saying, decisive as you have always been, it sounded like a logical plan, but definitely not for me. I am not ok, kicked out of your life suddenly, with a calm tone. Excuse me, but you did not give a lot of energy, passion or time to your one-sided negotiations, anyway I had to obey.

It is getting late, I will keep scrolling on my mobile, and consciously won’t crawl to your Instagram, time to change my night routine. I will sleep at the end, but I am not ok. Tomorrow I will distract myself by work, same dead smiles, gossipy comments and endless redundant emails. Will try not to check my WhatsApp, may be its better to keep my mobile away. Will I sing on my way home? How many songs did you promise we will sing together, or that what I thought you said… how I wish I can call you to tell you that I will miss you every day.

The pain is unbearable,

 the pain is unbearable,

the pain is unbearable,

I wish I keep shouting till you understand what I say. Cruelty should have limits; did I beg you properly when I heard what you said? Speechless, or did I murmur something, a silly joke, did I say my cliché? “I am sure you will miss me”, I swear I am sure, unless the whole thing was a play.

I will send you a message here every morning, confirming that I am not ok. I will lean on these words. Hide my tears and sighs. I will make sure to wither your love day by day, no, no, I promise to keep loving you, and wait till I receive your message saying, “Are we meeting today?” 

It will take me sometime

 

It will take me sometime not to say it again and again,

 it will take me some time not to gaze at your eyes,

 it will take me some time not to lose myself in your words,

 it will take me sometime not to shiver as we shake hands,

it will take me sometime not to cry on my back home,

 Home? But where is home? And what is home? I have always made fun of love songs, mocked the sighing teenagers and the kitschy romance of movies. Now, here I am, wandering around such random flushes of happiness, bitterness and despair. I was not prepared for this, was not prepared at all. I am hiding in my darkness, begging for a moment of enlightenment, an answer to the million questions swirling in my mind.

May be this is love, true love, the one that shakes you off, breaks your heart, turns into a martyr, may be? Is this what happening to me? A mirage, may be all my life has been a mirage, hazy memories of dreams, silly ones, unfulfilled ones, and tons and tons of postponed dreams. How would anyone postpone his dreams?

Lovers talk about their love, don’t they? cherish it, sing it, live it and love it. That is what love does! Yet my love silenced me, may be these words could reveal some of the pain, that eternal pain that I have been ignoring, denying and hiding by imposed smiles and a fake sense of contentment. May be its my tiring lust for life, no, no, not this time… It is love, the need to be present, the need to be there, the need to share the moments, the silly moments, the dull moments, maybe this is real love.

Here comes anger, running towards me like a mad boar, a barren wasted life, compromise is the key, wasn’t that what they said? Better than the others, aren’t you? And who is happy, don’t be naïve? For the sake of all gods, why did I plunder my days? Regret is all what I can taste. Maybe it was not meant to be? Then why would I taste the bitterness of love in such a harsh way? No questions are allowed! Keep going silently as you have always done.

So, love exists?

 Yes, I can assure you. Love struck me as a revenge of all the years I buried in disbelief. No matter how sleepless my nights will be, may be one day I will resurrect my heart and savor the sweetness of these few days.

I love you

 

“I love you” statured the man while breathing heavily.
The heavy silence was interrupted by the voice of the “God of Wisdom”, “this is not something to be said lightly…” with the same calm tone, and without the faintest smile, he added, “love is coupled by responsibility”.

A few weeks ago, the man was wondering aimlessly. An ordinary man with more than his share of sadness, who wasn’t aware of where this path may lead. The “God of Wisdom” was bored of the abode of Gods, his perfect world, and decided to visit the land where men lived, fought and died. It is not really known how the two stumbled into each other, magic? Destiny? Or it was just a mistake?

The man saw glimpses of a world he never knew, the world of grace, the world of beauty and the world of love. These were the realms of Gods, where the “God of wisdom” lived, where he really belonged. Overwhelmed by sheer happiness, the man forgot who he was, and came closer to the “God of Wisdom” and said with a faint tone. “I love you…..I am sure”. Silence, cruel silence was all what surrounded the man. Unable to control himself, he whispered, “I love you”.

It took the “God of Wisdom” some time before shaking his head and saying, “love comes with consequences…” he sighed, stared at the man, and with the kindest tone, he asked, “are you willing to pay?” the man murmured in fear, “the eternal punishment?”. The “God of Wisdom” gazed at the horizon and said calmly, “if this is how you see it, then yes, this is what you have to pay”

No one told us how many hours did they spend that night, what did they say or how they parted, all what we know that there were lessons they both had to learn. The man learned to cry while the “God of wisdom” learned that the world of men is a place that even a “God” could not change its rules.