Their world

 

Let’s forget the whole world, let’s burn it. Burn all the norms, the attachments to others, the obligations, the right and  the wrong. Let us create our own world, a world where the things we don’t like don’t even exist. Was our problem in how to define our relationship? Simply because others created a sacred definition and we have to follow it, this is pathetic. You felt that it will never work,what is this “it”? Why did we paused at defining a kind of relationship, and as you could not find a “logical” one, you burned our world. No, my love, we should have burned their world not ours, we should have created our own rules, but we did not. 

Sometimes I feel ridiculously curious to ask you about your magic. Didn’t you cast a spell on me? Or the magical way by which you stopped loving me. Then I realize that I don’t want this magic, I don’t want to stop loving you. Your love is my new identity and I don’t want to loose myself again. Come to my world, where there is only love. Love is all what we have and really it is all what we need. I have never convinced you of anything, I know, but just give us another chance. After all these months, resurrect your love without all the calculations, precautions and considerations. Being together should not be labeled by a name, we are already together, but you are denying this. I’m faithful to our love, or maybe I’m surrendering to it, simply because it’s too overwhelming. While you resisted it and buried it beneath thick layer of logic and rationality. I assure you that your love is still alive, it’s abandoned, it’s faint but it’s still there. Just give us another chance to live a life of our own creation. 

Tonight

 

Some nights are sadder than others and some tears are more painful than the rest. Tonight I was defeated by cruel waves of sorrow, and my tears flooded my world. I remembered when we were blaming each other and screaming, that night you said in the most provocative way, “so you want me to keep talking about when I loved you, it’s over”. I did not cry then, I have not even afterwards, but tonight I lost control. I could not remember my response, and then I suddenly panicked, how come I can’t remember what happened that night, the dates seemed shuffled, it was a weak after our breakup, wasn’t even a proper breakup, it was a death sentence, but I had to keep going. What does it mean that I can’t remember , and that the days and conversations will merge into one sad story. My tears did not stop, it was an endless vigorous river of pure sadness, it kept flowing and sweeping all my memories, the bitter ones only, reminding you of your indifference, cruelty or maybe practicality. I went for a walk, the tears did not stop, it felt strange, heavy tear drops, they felt painful as they ran on my cheeks, they reminded me of my loneliness. I wished to tell you that night or May be in several occasions that I was logical too, just as you are, and my logic prevented me from falling in love or even coming closer to it. My logic forced me to make fun of love, lovers and love stories. But my logic could not survive your charm, and it vanished as if it had never existed. I loved you without even realizing that I was stepping in several forbidden lands, I loved you without even realizing that I’m exposing my vulnerability to the might of love, and I have never been that lucky. I was not only stepping, I was running, jumping and dancing in a forbidden world, a realm that was not destined for me. I was fortunate about a lot of things in my life, but love was not one of them. I don’t know how did I lose control, why did I betray myself? No need for all these questions, it was destined. Now, I will receive tonight’s hosts in the best way possible, whether my hosts are grief, tears, bad memories or even shouts from an old fight. They will spend their time, they will torture me for a while but at the end they will leave me alone, they will leave me with your love. O my love, tonight is a tough night, how I wish we were together, just to tell you how am I tortured by your love. 

The oceans of love

 I’m not a masochist , I’m just lost in the oceans of your love. Maybe forgotten there amid waves of happiness and bitterness. Can’t stop myself. I may drown, I know, but will there be a better ending of one’s life ?being immersed in love till you cross the border of this life, maybe this is what love is about? Transcending to other levels, some succeed in their journey, while others revisit and most people are unaware of the journey at all. 

Lonely? How can I be lonely with all our memories, some consider them too little to enable me to go through my days, but a few moments with you gave me a whole world,   What more than this one can ask for? 

What else can be said? I have said it all, I shouted, cried, whispered, sighed and I think now is the time for some dignified silence. Now I have to enjoy indulging in our moments, contemplate our happiness, our surreal connection and magical harmony. I don’t care if you all keep competing in diagnosing my mental status or you understand my love. I had to speak about this shattering love and that what I did. 

Together

So will we experience the same profound feelings in Paradise ? Or will be numb and happy? Maybe these intense feelings are part of our punishment on earth, a torture tool, to feel the pain, to feel the loss and to remember the loved ones again and again and again. 

But we are together, still together, you never leave me whether I am awake or asleep. You visit me with every song, every breath and every eye blink. They say love is a war where none of the lovers is neither defeated nor victorious, but this is not true. What else could I ask for? I have you with me, our love is growing, it’s taking care of me, guiding me along the paths of compassion, understanding and empathy. There is pain, I can’t deny, legendary pain, but aren’t we all suffering? At least I have you with me to bear the unbearable. 

“I love you so much, your love became my life, and any other emotion, act or thought are just distractors. I honestly understand that you can’t comprehend what I am saying, it took me a while to understand it myself. I know that you are a logical person and my hocus pocus never convinced you, but my love is beyond your logic. Have you thought of breathing as a process, have you ever forced yourself to breathe, have you ever faked it, controlled it, postponed it till you find fresher and healthier air? This is how I love you, as natural as I breathe, and I will always fight to keep breathing, I will always fight for your love.” I wanted to send you this message a few hours ago, but I didn’t. I sent it to the universe as they say, I wrote down, I read it many times, don’t they say that words have powers, I charged them with all my love, all my intentions and all my will. I’m sure my message will reach, one day it will reach you, and surprisingly I am not worried about all the wasted years. I have learned that some moments with you worth a lifetime, and I am optimistic that I will still have a few more moments, a few more lives. 

Words

 

I can’t start a war with the words. These versatile little creatures which are supposed to save me from obliteration. It’s not about me, our love story is the only thing that should be remembered of my journey, yet words do not help. I hear the echoes of the shallow meanings they reflect, annoyed and shocked by their limitations. What happened to them, when did words fail in reflecting love with all its faces, phases and moods. 

I can’t stop tweeting these words till they reveal all the pain, happiness and everything in between. Silence isn’t the answer, silence is death, and I am not dead yet, dying? Yes, this is something I can’t deny, but as long as I am not dead yet, I will keep talking about our love. That surreal happiness deserves to be remembered, these magical memories should outlive me.  Is this sheer sadness that took every meaning out of my world, or did I drain my words without noticing how love drained me of every drop of life? Anyway the words failed me before, when I needed them the most, when I tried to convince you that our love deserves a chance.  

I wonder how are you now? I am sure that your world did not fall apart, Elhamdolella, but how are you? Content with your wise decisions? Do you regret meeting me or do you regret putting an end to our budding love? Am I part of your memories or have you wiped me totally from your life? All these questions will be oppressed when we meet, I will put on a mask, speak about general things and won’t forget to include a joke or two. We will meet as two strangers, as if we were not the whole world when we were together. Now, all what I have is a desert of barren words that add to my misery.

A glimpse of Paradise

 Why am I blaming love or even blaming you? What happened is simply one of the eternal rules of life, its incompleteness. Or maybe we reached the climax of love, of harmony and of happiness, and as you know my love, when things reach their climax this is what happens. A gradual fading would have been more merciful rather than this sudden disappearance.  But since when was life merciful? 

I caught a glimpse of paradise. This is how our love felt, a heavenly feeling that did not suit our diabolic world. It had to be short lived, it had to be immortalized by my pain and I had to pay for the happiness I tasted, even if the price is my sanity. Life is unfair, I know, but how am I supposed to keep going, and why? You took all the colors and melodies with you, you took the real version of me too. All what is left of me is a shadow of what I was, a carcass stuffed by bitterness and sadness. 

They say everything happens for a reason, and apparently they are right. We met, we fell in love and you killed me, may be to detach me from this world, to make me more compassionate or even to spend the rest of your life looking for a love like mine. Isn’t it ironic that I want to call you to tell you how painful your love is? Remember how close we were? These moments were surreal, you can’t deny.  Sometimes I ask god that I vanish, I turn into tears in the eyes of lovers, be their  heart beats when they are about to meet or even dreams, yes I wish I’m turned to dreams, those magical ones where everything is possible and no one uses logic! O my love, how I wish you gave us a chance, how I wish you kept us in our paradise a bit more and how I wish life was not that unfair. 

But you know, I would have never complained if you didn’t love me, but you did, don’t deny that. Are you my mermaid, my Salome, my Medusa? Here I am blaming you again. Please accept my apologies and visit me in a dream soon as you used to visit me many times before.

The enemies

I’m the slave of love. As everyday passes I experience something new, something different and unfortunately always something painful. You invaded my nights, dreams, memories and even my hallucinations. You filled them all with your presence, your smiles, laughs, ironic remarks and provocative comments. Yet, you disappeared from my real life, so I simply cancelled my future plans. No need for any plans, the past had all the happiness and you were the one who made sense to everything in my life. Now nothing seems neither logical nor familiar. Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night wanting my life back, but I push this thought away, what was my life before you! 

I count the days over and over again, while pretending not to be counting them. But I count them backwards my love, I check how far are we from the days of our love. I mean how far am I from these days. The days became my new enemies, just as everything else, I even see the words as my enemies too. I see them weak or rather dead, definitely incapable of conveying my love. Patience, longing, missing, …. They are just letters devoid of any meaning. Days and words…. What else is betraying me?logic? But logic was never a friend, never ever. 

Yesterday I kept staring at your smile in one of our photos. Was it a genuine smile, were you really witnessing this pure happiness? When did you start calculating the whole equation, and how could you tell me that you were able to put an end to the feelings that were developing towards me? I hate these words, harsh and decisive. Was I supposed to beg to be loved? Would it have helped? 

 

Your love is killing me

 

I’m dwarfed by your love. Lost in it. Wading alone in a creepy maze. Apparently this is the destiny of all those who believed in love, surrendered to it and idolized it fanatically. Here I am suffering in an endless anticlimax, a biblical punishment or even an ancient Egyptian curse. 

I am witnessing an extreme deprivation of my life. The life that I was hoping to have with you. The life that would compensate all these wasted years, and the life that I surprisingly and at last felt entitled to live. What a short lived dream, was it a mirage, a shooting star or a beautiful rainbow that lasted for a few blinks before disappearing away. I am one of those who were touched by the miracle of love, but they were also left alone to carve their own path towards total madness. I don’t think of any other alternative, I am whirling aimlessly and helplessly around our few days, your words and laughs. Your love is simply killing me. 

I wish you happiness

 I wish you extreme happiness. That’s it, that’s all what I can say and that it is how I really feel. I want you to be happy, in an eternal state of bliss, impossible? I am always asking for the impossible. 

I can’t send you a message now telling you that “I want you to be happy in every moment of your life”. We are not teenagers, I don’t want to bore you, or to bore you more than I did. Remember when I told you that I extremely love you, that I have never thought there is so much love and that sometimes I feel drained? I want to tell you this again and again. I want to drag you to my tsunami of love, I want you to witness how I’m lost in your love. 

I will spend a period of my life with you. When? How? I don’t know and I don’t care, it’s the miracle that I’m dreaming of and praying for. I can’t leave this world without sharing with you the trivial details of everyday, the bad moods, the frustrations and the boredom. I want my love to settle on the small corners of your life, let us fight, let us scream and let us slam the doors and disappear to return back to each others hugs. Let us create our love over and over again, burn it and resurrect it till we leave this world, and I’ll be waiting for you in the other world, and every world I find myself in. I will live with you before I leave this world. A dream, a miracle or a crazy plan,  I must make it happen. Love like ours is too precious to be aborted like this. I wish you all the happiness in the world, but I deserve to be happy too, even for a few days. 

It is attachment

 

“It’s attachment, this is not love. This is attachment” my friend’s voice was trembling over the phone. There was a strange sense of triumph in the air, or maybe a faint tension of an expected argument, a long and heated one that she was ready for. I paused longer than I should and then said, “ yes, it’s attachment. “ 

Are we arguing on terms now, so am I getting my world back if I admit that it is attachment or it is even a psychological need? Does love irritate you that much? Each and every one of my friends is either telling me bluntly or indirectly that first, this is not love and second, it will take its time and go away. So apparently you perceive love as either an illusion or a virus that if it really exists it will take its time. No one told me how long is “it’s time”. I hope that my friends are now happy and content with their wise advises and invaluable insights to my life and feelings. 

I miss you. How can I explain this to you, how can I describe it, if I don’t even understand the intensity of this feeling. Most people made fun of love, others denied it, I was one of this group, I treated it as fiction, just exaggerated cliched words that suit teenagers and other bored middle aged people. I haven’t asked myself if you could be related to either group, what was love for you? With all your rationality and experience how do you perceive love now? Or how do you see my love, do you consider it an attachment? 

Attachment to what? To a world of happiness… who won’t be attached to such a world, who would let this love be lost, who won’t fight to keep such love.  Everyday pushes my memories away, and pulls me towards an unknown path, where I am lonely among my people. Attachment! You say, ok how can I be cured? 

I miss you

 

Again, the words seem unable of fulfilling the only purpose they were created for. Cold, helpless yet provocative, they appear in front of my eyes, to remind me of my situation. Alone, missing you, unable to meet you, can’t call you and unwilling to send a message where all my emotions will seep along the way, till you receive the lame letters that mean nothing. 

What am I waiting for ? Really, what are my options? A miracle, I loose my memory or this cycle of my life comes to an end? I prefer to be waiting for a miracle, one in which you realize that we can not not to be together. I’m not very keen about the different scenarios or the cinematic moment where we will meet, talk and realize that you did not stop loving me for a single day. Nothing of these details is important, I’m talking about a miracle here. Maybe the miracle is that I will realize that all what I have been through during the past few months was a nightmare. One long cruel nightmare, but it’s over. I will wake up, call you, pass by you and we continue our conversations while you cook, I’ll be setting the table while making fun of your meticulous way of doing everything. I will eat more than I should, as always, time will pass quickly as usual and I won’t be gazing at your eyes, or pausing at everything you do, why should I ? I don’t have the paranoia of losing you, of being kicked out of your world. We will sing, I mean we will try to sing, and unfortunately I will have to leave. Even the goodbye hug won’t be as long or as strong as I have been dreaming of for months now. Why would it be, it’s just a normal goodbye hug and we will meet in a couple of days or even the next day Inshala. 

Yes, it is a nightmare, and the worst thing about nightmares is when they become familiar. I wake up, do whatever should be done, sleep to wake up again, I say the same bla bla bla and stay silent for the most of the day. Only day dreaming is saving me from severe depression. As the world is collapsing around me, wars, disasters and financial crises I must be grateful, and I must keep silent, as who wants to hear a one-sided love story?

My stories

 Any man is a mere collection of stories. His strength lies in how he keeps his stories untold. In our meetings I let go of one story after the other till I became vulnerable, predictable and even worthless. I can see my stories piled by your feet in your living room, tangled, collecting dust and forgotten. 

Once a story is told it loses its significance and charm. May be Adam and Eve were kicked out of paradise as soon as they told all their stories. It has always been about words, everything is shaped by these magical creatures, the sounds that convey our fears, ideas and feelings. I still have words by my side, they are my faithful companions and my only way to recall your love. Will your spell be broken when my stories are forgotten? Will the whole story turn into a past, for both of us, for me at least. Would I ever remember you, smile and move on? 

I lost any perception of time, I’m just passing by the days, weeks and months. I monitor what is happening in my life and around me absentmindedly, and it’s ok. Nothing makes sense, nothing feels right and nothing seems familiar. Maybe I should not have said all my stories, haven’t I been silent for ages? Now, I have no interest to talk if the conversation is not about you. I find solace in my silence, at least I hear the echoes of our conversations and the rhythms of our old laughs. Stories, silence and echoes, the trinity of life, death and resurrection or maybe life, death and all what is remembered. 

The question

 I love you

That’s how I feel every moment of every day. I can’t send these words in a WhatsApp message, I can’t even imagine your reaction, the extreme indifference, the seriousness that cover your face for a few seconds before you move on as if you heard or read nothing. What can I do with all this love? It is beyond my comprehension and beyond my ability to keep going. 

I try my best to focus on what I’m doing, but my best is not good enough. Memories hit me ruthlessly, music became cruel, and everything is shouting that we were together. How can a black short ruin a whole day? Remember that short, you told me I look cool, then you blushed. I did not pause then, I talked about my history with shorts and hatred towards pants, and I simply was being myself. 

Each of us has his own personal path in the journey of love, but I need help. I need someone to tell me what can I do when I wake up in the middle of the night missing you, wanting to talk, talk and talk, and needing to be with you. Tell me what can I do when I feel a strange strong need to tell you I love you. Just like now, working and all of a sudden I had that urge, “I love you” this message may irritate you or bore you. 

A close friend told me recently that he feels bad for my therapists, he was laughing but he meant what he said. I smiled sluggishly and preferred not to tell him that you are my only therapist. I used to tease you about telepathy, I swear if telepathy works between us you would fall in love with me again and again everyday. But where does all this love go? I can’t hide it and can’t carry that sweet burden of love alone, and I can’t limit our WhatsApp conversations to the weather, work and exchange rates. My therapists will say the answer is acceptance, that’s their answer for every problem. Or they will ask, “and now what do you want?” And that is the question. 

My calendar

 Stuck between the columns and rows of the calendar, I feel lost between the past and the future. Counting the weeks will not help, as there is no guarantee that we will be together even if we meet. Returning back a few months ago is impossible, undo-ing all what have been done and said is another miracle that I pray it occurs. How many miracles I’m praying for? 

Every month is marked by when we met, when we fell in love and when I was left alone in a scary void. I can start my new calendar I will rename the months, Serendipity, luck, love, happiness, bliss, fear, shock, pain, loss, grief,madness and death. My year will start every July by the month of serendipity, how I wish that it is the only month that keeps repeating over and over again. Who wants the months of pain, grief or even death? Time is my eternal enemy, and what a cruel and ruthless enemy time is. 

Years ago, a wise Indian friend tried his best to explain that time is linear. After asking him more than once to clarify, I started nodding as if I got what he was saying. Apparently he was trying to tell me that everything happens at the same time, there is no yesterday, no today and no tomorrow, and it’s only our own perspective. I wish I asked him again and again rather than nodding, I wish his concept was true and that time is …. I don’t even know how he described time. But if I can select one moment it will be that specific night when we kept talking, talking and talking. Our conversations were too general as if both of us intended to stay away from anything personal, or anything that can be regarded as sentimental, from politics to careers and travels time whirled around us quickly. As we were leaving, we both realized that hours left without saying what we really wanted to say, our gazes and happy smiles meant that there will be more and more to say. Can I pause in this moment? The moment of hope, happiness and love. Can I recall my feelings of that moment everyday? Can I be satisfied of having such profound feelings and maybe according to my Indian friend, once I lived a feeling I am still living it.  If so can I erase a specific day with all its incidents, feelings and consequences? 

Your beauty

I want to keep talking about you, about your beauty. It’s not about your features, your dark eyes with the mysterious looks, no, no, I will not talk about this kind of beauty. What mesmerized me from the start was your inner beauty, the way you deal with others. It is that unique mixture of pride, refinement, elegance and kindness. I may add stubbornness too! They say opposites attract, and we are separated by oceans of differences or even contrasts. I have always been impressed by your discipline till it put an end to our love story, didn’t it? The logical way in which you state your point of view no matter how provocative it is. The decency in dealing with everyone, you have a flair of seriousness that hides a great sense of humor. O god, I miss you so much. As time passes by I realize that I have already lived me life in these few moments that we had together. My whole life was compiled in intensive doses of happiness, and I wasn’t able to believe such a bliss. So, what do I have now, memories and a mighty love that defies any logic. If only I can repeat one day again and again, not as a punishment, but rather as the moments of life that worth living. Or will this be our life in paradise? The more I wade alone in our love the more I realize how impossible it is for lovers to live on earth. How can love survive the daily distractions, stresses and disappointments. A love like ours is not created for this life, May be I was too fortunate to try the taste of heaven, and apparently such overwhelming sweetness is blowing my mind. 

It’s all about your beauty, the beauty that I saw, that I felt and that I loved. You used to cover it by a thin layer of indifference but I saw it, I saw how caring you are, even in the simplest acts, whether recalling a story or even preparing a cup of cofffee. I told you more than once that I was intimidated by how serious you can be, I felt like a jester, but maybe because I didn’t have any hope of being in love with you, I was acting normally without the anxiety of the need to impress you. I was being myself and we fell in love. Your version of the story states that you controlled your feelings when you realized that this love won’t work….. But, I don’t like this version of our story, it doesn’t make sense. I need to go back to that phase, when you didn’t control your feelings, when you didn’t start predicting whether our love will work or not. Let me relive these moments again, let me feel your love, and see it sparkling in your eyes. Till a miracle happens, I will just keep talking about your beauty, the beauty that destroyed my world.

 

All I need is you

 

All I want is you. 

No, all I need is you. My whole world is shrinking and it seems that it all revolves around you. You became the only one whom I think of, and want to be with. Daydreaming became my new ritual, and it’s all about you, or you and me together. I am living like a lazy zombie, i eat, sleep and go to work but I only become alive while thinking about you, only when I imagine our conversations, how we comment on our cruel world, how we plan for things and how you tell me about your favorite songs and movies. Daydreaming is exhausting yet addictive. Sometimes I miss my previous life, when things were bland but clear. When I used to enjoy my loneliness, I even used to praise it. I felt content with what I had and wasn’t aware at all of what I was missing. 

Love, how can it be that cruel? I’m losing any ability of understanding my situation, although my few friends believe it’s an obvious “pathetic psychological condition”. I am begging for a break, a short break to gather what remained of my life and what remained of me. I miss enjoying the cloud formations, the birds chirping and the taste of ice cream. Sometimes I want to scream ( I want my life back) with all its simple pleasures, the happy moments that I had, alone. But I can’t admit that I want my life back, if I will ever scream, I’ll say “I want to spend the rest of my life with you”.