The question

 I love you

That’s how I feel every moment of every day. I can’t send these words in a WhatsApp message, I can’t even imagine your reaction, the extreme indifference, the seriousness that cover your face for a few seconds before you move on as if you heard or read nothing. What can I do with all this love? It is beyond my comprehension and beyond my ability to keep going. 

I try my best to focus on what I’m doing, but my best is not good enough. Memories hit me ruthlessly, music became cruel, and everything is shouting that we were together. How can a black short ruin a whole day? Remember that short, you told me I look cool, then you blushed. I did not pause then, I talked about my history with shorts and hatred towards pants, and I simply was being myself. 

Each of us has his own personal path in the journey of love, but I need help. I need someone to tell me what can I do when I wake up in the middle of the night missing you, wanting to talk, talk and talk, and needing to be with you. Tell me what can I do when I feel a strange strong need to tell you I love you. Just like now, working and all of a sudden I had that urge, “I love you” this message may irritate you or bore you. 

A close friend told me recently that he feels bad for my therapists, he was laughing but he meant what he said. I smiled sluggishly and preferred not to tell him that you are my only therapist. I used to tease you about telepathy, I swear if telepathy works between us you would fall in love with me again and again everyday. But where does all this love go? I can’t hide it and can’t carry that sweet burden of love alone, and I can’t limit our WhatsApp conversations to the weather, work and exchange rates. My therapists will say the answer is acceptance, that’s their answer for every problem. Or they will ask, “and now what do you want?” And that is the question.