Tonight

 

Some nights are sadder than others and some tears are more painful than the rest. Tonight I was defeated by cruel waves of sorrow, and my tears flooded my world. I remembered when we were blaming each other and screaming, that night you said in the most provocative way, “so you want me to keep talking about when I loved you, it’s over”. I did not cry then, I have not even afterwards, but tonight I lost control. I could not remember my response, and then I suddenly panicked, how come I can’t remember what happened that night, the dates seemed shuffled, it was a weak after our breakup, wasn’t even a proper breakup, it was a death sentence, but I had to keep going. What does it mean that I can’t remember , and that the days and conversations will merge into one sad story. My tears did not stop, it was an endless vigorous river of pure sadness, it kept flowing and sweeping all my memories, the bitter ones only, reminding you of your indifference, cruelty or maybe practicality. I went for a walk, the tears did not stop, it felt strange, heavy tear drops, they felt painful as they ran on my cheeks, they reminded me of my loneliness. I wished to tell you that night or May be in several occasions that I was logical too, just as you are, and my logic prevented me from falling in love or even coming closer to it. My logic forced me to make fun of love, lovers and love stories. But my logic could not survive your charm, and it vanished as if it had never existed. I loved you without even realizing that I was stepping in several forbidden lands, I loved you without even realizing that I’m exposing my vulnerability to the might of love, and I have never been that lucky. I was not only stepping, I was running, jumping and dancing in a forbidden world, a realm that was not destined for me. I was fortunate about a lot of things in my life, but love was not one of them. I don’t know how did I lose control, why did I betray myself? No need for all these questions, it was destined. Now, I will receive tonight’s hosts in the best way possible, whether my hosts are grief, tears, bad memories or even shouts from an old fight. They will spend their time, they will torture me for a while but at the end they will leave me alone, they will leave me with your love. O my love, tonight is a tough night, how I wish we were together, just to tell you how am I tortured by your love.