My calendar

 Stuck between the columns and rows of the calendar, I feel lost between the past and the future. Counting the weeks will not help, as there is no guarantee that we will be together even if we meet. Returning back a few months ago is impossible, undo-ing all what have been done and said is another miracle that I pray it occurs. How many miracles I’m praying for? 

Every month is marked by when we met, when we fell in love and when I was left alone in a scary void. I can start my new calendar I will rename the months, Serendipity, luck, love, happiness, bliss, fear, shock, pain, loss, grief,madness and death. My year will start every July by the month of serendipity, how I wish that it is the only month that keeps repeating over and over again. Who wants the months of pain, grief or even death? Time is my eternal enemy, and what a cruel and ruthless enemy time is. 

Years ago, a wise Indian friend tried his best to explain that time is linear. After asking him more than once to clarify, I started nodding as if I got what he was saying. Apparently he was trying to tell me that everything happens at the same time, there is no yesterday, no today and no tomorrow, and it’s only our own perspective. I wish I asked him again and again rather than nodding, I wish his concept was true and that time is …. I don’t even know how he described time. But if I can select one moment it will be that specific night when we kept talking, talking and talking. Our conversations were too general as if both of us intended to stay away from anything personal, or anything that can be regarded as sentimental, from politics to careers and travels time whirled around us quickly. As we were leaving, we both realized that hours left without saying what we really wanted to say, our gazes and happy smiles meant that there will be more and more to say. Can I pause in this moment? The moment of hope, happiness and love. Can I recall my feelings of that moment everyday? Can I be satisfied of having such profound feelings and maybe according to my Indian friend, once I lived a feeling I am still living it.  If so can I erase a specific day with all its incidents, feelings and consequences?